Holding back the river


I wish It was possible to keep hold of Time

To pause it

To place a moment in a jar, lid on and screw it up as tight as possible

I wish life would just give me a chance to live

To hold back the river and calm down

I don’t want to be dragged along in the current

Whizzing down stream, life passing by

As peaceful as it may sound, resting in the water and allowing the current to carry me

Means I’m missing out on what is passing by

I don’t want to swim up stream either

I don’t have the energy to fight the currents

Yes, it means I am alive

That I am strong

But, just for now I would like the river to raise either side and allow me to be me

Just hold back the river

Allow me to rest

To keep my boys by my side

Without the struggle of life

Time is too short to just go with the flow

Time is too short to live a hectic lifestyle

I wish It would slow down

Let us really take in what is happening around us

I don’t want to go with the flow anymore

I want it to slow down and part

The same water cannot be touched again, just like life

Once a time has passed it will never happen again

Holding back the river for just one moment

Allow me to hold the precious ones around me

To take in

To breathe

To rest

And then, after that moment I will be ready for the next journey

The adventure of life




Struggling Through

Well I’ve been home from hospital for 12 days now and each day is a day closer to being stronger to fight this horrible disease. It’s a struggle, I have to cope with the post pain from having two surgeries and learning to get around the house again.

Walking up the stairs is like trek up Mount Snowdon. Each step pulls on the muscles at the back of my leg. My legs feel heavy and ache all the time. I am lucky that we have stair railing and a bannister to hold onto as I walk up and down the stairs. I take a rest half way up and just carry on. I need to push myself to do this as laying in a hospital bed for so long has weakened my muscles. Each step I fight against the pain, each step takes up so much of my energy.

Not only do I have to deal with the pain and recovery from having 2 bowel surgeries but I am also coping with a massive weight loss. I have always been small framed and have never been a girl to count my calories or go out of my way to keep fit, but I am now dangerously underweight. Whilst in hospital I was put onto a TPN where nutrients were pumped into my main artery. I was put onto this drip too late as my weight had already plummeted due to having no appetite and being Nil By Mouth for days on end. My appetite has now come back, it took a while, but I am now eating as much as my body can take to

try to restore my energy levels and gain some fat. My weight gain is slow, but I am being told that you can see a difference in my face since I’ve been home.

Each day I manage to do more about the home and have even managed to get out to the shops, with the help of my Mummy. For the first week at home, the sofa became my best friend. It’s where I slept at night and rested through the day. I needed help up the stairs, at one point I had to be carried up them as I collapsed at the bottom. Now, nearly 2 weeks being at home, I go up and down by myself and I am back to sleeping in my bed.

Sleeping is a big struggle. It has been for a while. It started in hospital, with all the noise and bright lights it made it highly impossible to have a good nights sleep. I used an eye mask but it didn’t really help that much. Where I have lost weight I have bones sticking out on my back, making it uncomfortable to get in a good position to sleep. We have bought a tempur mattress topper, which was a small fortune, but it has made a huge difference on the comfort of the bed.

Me on my first day out of the house
Me on my first day out of the house

Life is a constant battle, no matter how hard I try I seem to come against a brick wall or a dead-end. I feel alone at times and like is everything is falling apart. Some days are harder than others.

I do not dwell on the pain, instead I think about how much stronger I am as a person for getting through it.

Strength only comes from continuous struggle.