Mum! My heart hurts!

Yesterday we travelled to Gatwick airport as a family of 5 but returned home as a family of 4! Our eldest son, Jak, has travelled over to  Amsterdam with the English National Opera to perform in Death In Venice in the Music Theatre over there.

Jak was very excited about the adventure he was about to embark on, he has been abroard only once before when he was 4 years old, so he was looking forward to flying on an aeroplane as much as visiting an new country and city. He has gone with the whole of the production team who he has become quite close with a few of since beginning to rehearse with them back in May, that chaperones that were with him in the west end productions and rehearsals are the same ones that he has travelled with.


This is an amazing experience for Jak and his acting career, which he is adamant he wants to pursue, he loves acting so this is a brilliant opportunity for him. Ever since he was a little boy at the age of two years old and he walked up onto the stage at a holiday site, he has never looked back, he has become hungry for the attention and the light that shines on him.

Yesterday was an emotional day, it was hard to wave him goodbye at the departure lounge, i know he will be back in 6 days and that he is good safe hands but i still had that urge to just grab him and hold him back to keep him with me.

Joseph found it very hard to handle, he wouldn’t let go of Jak’s suitcase and attached himself to it, shouting and crying for him not to leave him, It was so hard to watch. As much as the boys argue and fight they love being with each other and are always cuddling one another. By the time Jak was ready to walk through to the departure lounge Joseph was sobbing away and was trying to grab him over the barriers.


20130702-164359.jpg 20130702-164424.jpg

One last wave and this was the last i saw of my smiling excited sons face



As it was also Joseph’s birthday, we took him as a treat to Partyman World at Lakeside, it took his mind off of not having his brother around for a while but he was soon sitting down in the corner of the play area on his own, Daddy and I tried to replace the space that Jak has left and ran around with him, throwing balls at each other, sliding down curly slides, crawling through tunnels and pretended to drive space ships through the air but it didn’t work, he was soon missing his bog brother again and we was tired out.

We bought Joseph his favourite food, chinese noodles, but he wouldn’t eat them, saying that his belly aches! He went to bed upset and empty, he awoke at midnight asking for me to sleep with him, i laid in his bed and cuddled him for hours. He awoke this morning complaining of a belly ache still, i asked him where it hurt and what the pain felt like, he replied

“My tummy and heart hurts! I feel sick but i’m not!”

I think what my little boy is feeling is emptiness from missing his big brother. He has gone off of his food and he is not sparkly at all today.

Since coming home from school he has just sat on the sofa (unlike him) and watched TV.

Only 5 more days to go!



Your Companion forever!

I wish i could take away your pain and lock it away forever

I wish i could fill your emptiness and space that has been left with more love and happiness

I wish i could comfort you! I can feel your pain but just have no idea what to do!

I want to be your rock and show you that all will be ok!

The pain and hurt that you are feeling will eventually fade and lesson but the love and memories will shine through and become stronger

Please don’t cry! Please don’t shed any more tears!

Your decision was tough but it was the right one and you did what was best for him, he is no more pain!

You gave him a brilliant life, filled with love and happiness! You walked him everyday, you cooked him special meals!

He was your companion, your best friend, your family, a big part of your life!

Please remember the good times that you had with him, the walks that you went on, the places that you visited, the games that you played

BUT most importantly remember that you are not alone in this sadness, he has left a gap in all of our lives a gap that will never be filled by any other dog. My heart is still warm for him and always will be!

He wasn’t just a dog, he was our life!

He may be gone but memories last forever, he lives on in you and everyone else.




“Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
― Albert Camus

We all have met people who have become our friends sometimes those friendships fizzle out either because you grow apart, a difference of interests or because we move away and sometimes there are those special relationships that you strike up that never seem to disappear no matter what!

Friendship isn’t something that we are taught at school it is what we learn in life, it comes at the most special times and at hard times.

Friends share pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.

Friends are with us through confusion, grief and bereavement, in our hour of need! They help us to cure and heal ourselves.

Friendships are silent!

Friendships are simple but strong, they are encouraging and understanding, they giving and taking, they are loyal and trustworthy, they are precious!

I have friends that I am in contact with that I met at school, university and working away and even though I don’t see or talk to them often I know that if we do meet up then our relationship will be just as strong as it was when we was younger, but you always have those doubts in the back of your mind wether or not you will still be able get on with each other.

Will you still giggle with each other over the silliest of things?

Will the conversation cut short as you run out of interests to talk about?

Will they be interested now I have 3 young children running around me wanting my attention and I won’t be able to get drunk as a skunk with them no more?

Will we read each others minds like we used to?

Do they still drink tea?

Friendships are treasured and are one of the greatest gift to receive!

I surprised an old friend of mine this week by turning up at her work place, we had met when I was 19 years old and worked together at a Haven holiday site in Yorkshire. I hadn’t seen her for 8 years but the closeness was still there, I would like to say I would still class her as one of my Closest friends even though we don’t speak or see each other that much, she made me laugh and we giggled just like we used to!

Do you have a special friendship bond with anyone?


308/366 Serpentines Gallery Yoko Ono #Smikesfilm boys smile

The boys and I travelled to London’s Hyde Park today to support Team GB in the mens triathlon. We had an amazing day and got to watch a bit of history as the Brownlee brothers passed us by and ended up winning gold and bronze medals. Once the race had finished we made our way to the serpentine gallery where the boys had their photo taken in a part of Yoko Ono’s interactive #smilesfilm online gallery. Smilesfilm is a worldwide participatory project that encourages participation online. Conceived as a way of connecting people across the world, the project invites people to upload and send images of their smiles by hash-tagging #smilesfilm, creating a global string of smiles covering the planet.
And here are my boys smiling away


It’s all about the smile.