Since my diagnosis I have had many people tell me to stay positive.
Thinking back to May, on that horrific day that we was given the news that I had a cancerous tumour in my Rectum, I have no idea how I managed. I didn’t cry at first, In fact I felt nothing. I remember the surgeon talking and us asking questions. I remember hearing and feeling my breaths. I remember thinking that I need to be strong and hold it together for the sake of my family and my children. Positive never really came into my thoughts.
The next few days were like a whirl wind. It felt like I was having an outer body experience. Like it wasn’t happening to me. Like I was watching it all unfold in front of me, but there was nothing I could do stop it from happening.
After the initial shock, the tears came. They flooded out and nothing was going to stop them. Yes I had my bad thoughts. Every time I looked at my children, watched them playing, listened to them giggling I felt my heart being ripped from me. I couldn’t breath and I had a pain in my chest. I know now what it feels like to have a broken heart. It ached so much.
Two weeks after the diagnosis treatment began. It was harsh. It was tiring. I wasn’t entirely happy with receiving this type of treatment as there is more of a chance that the cancer can come back and It causes more damage to the body, But I needed to do anything to keep me here longer with my family.
I’m a Mum and Mums are meant to be here for their children. Aren’t they?!
I tried to stay positive through the 5 and a half weeks of treatment but it was so hard. It’s not as easy as you think. Along with positivity comes negativity, and yes I had many negative days (and still do). As hard as I try, it’s not easy to push those bad thoughts out of my mind.
Everyone tells you to stay positive, to stay strong, to fight. But there are times when you are weak, or when you see a status on social media, or you watch something on television that makes you sad and then you begin to think of the circumstance that you are in. The disease that you have growing in your body. You begin to think about it mestastasising, moving around your body and the cells multiplying.
Every time you feel a new lump, a new pain or ache that wasn’t there before, feel sick or tired. Every time something new is happening to your body the negative thoughts automatically appear in your head.It’s not easy to get them back out of your head.
With so many bad things happening in this world, with so many bad reports I have heard about the treatment, with losing so many loved ones close to myself and the family to this horrible disease. It is so hard to stay positive. But I do because it is the only way.
Once my treatment was over and over the next couple of weeks, the skin where the radiotherapy was being aimed began to heal and I began to become stronger. The weight began to go back on and I was feeling good. So good that I returned to work on the first day of Term, which was on a Thursday. I managed one day before I was calling in sick the next day, feeling aches and pains and suffering from sweats. I had reflexology the day before and thought that what I was feeling was the toxins being released from my muscles. By that evening I was feeling much better. The next day was a different matter, I began to feel sharp pains in my abdomen. By the end of the weekend I was up A&E feeling terrible. After a few hours waiting around I was sent home and told to take some lacultose as they said I was constipated. I was told that my bloods were normal and that I just needed to try to go to the toilet.
The next couple of days the pains got worse and I couldn’t go to the toilet. I had lost all feeling to go. Instantly my positiveness disappeared. How could I stay positive with these pains. Even more my diagnosis, I didn’t experience pain like this. Sunday night, I was admitted in to hospital. This time they did all the tests as soon as they could not missing out anything. I spent the next 8 days in hospital suffering from internal inflammation, an infection and an absyss. The conclusion from all the tests were that i was suffering from the effects of post radiation. Hearing that It hadn’t spread was such a relief. Even though I had been told what the reason was why I was in such pain, it was so hard to be positive laying in a hospital bed.
Once at home, it was time for me to get my mind into the positive state that it needs to be to carry on. I had lost so much weight that the first thing was to gain some pounds and become stronger. I couldn’t manage to move around too much as I quickly became tired. My muscles and bones ached. They hadn’t been used in a while because of all the rest I have had, so using them now results in me aching in the evening.
Every day I feel stronger
Every day I become that little more positive
Every day is a struggle with my mind and body
The next thing for me is surgery. I have my operation date all set, so I now need to get into the right mindset for it. I will be losing my sphincter muscle therefore I will be fitted with a colostomy bag, which for me will be permanent. I am feeling quite positive about the surgery. I just want to begin to feel normal again, enjoy life without the worries at the back of my mind.
I have to stay positive because it is the only way to carry on, because I have to.