These Wrinkles Tell a Story

At some point in our lives we all age; as we get older our skin wrinkles, creases and lines appear. When we are young our skin is springy but as we age our skin loses its flexibility.

Wrinkles are not just a sign of old age but also appear when our skin has been exposed to too much ultra violet light, through sunbathing or spending too much time outdoors.

They say that your skin tells a story.

Your skin is trying to tell you something. It’s telling a story about your health, habits and history.

My face is like a character map that defines my life. Fine lines on my forehead, represent my life: My story.

Up until 2 years ago I always thought that my skin was ageing quite well. That was until I received the biggest blow that I had the big C. Since my treatment I seem to have aged ten-fold. Lines appeared along my forehead, creases around my mouth and my hands have aged.

My youthful skin gone; instead replaced with worn out, saggy skin.

I used to fear getting old, now I embrace it. As the proverb says “Grey hair is a crown of glory; it is gained in a righteous life”. Grey hair and wrinkles are a sign of a life that has been lived.

These lines across my face tell a story of where I have been and what I have gone through. Just like a scar they are a reminder that life still exists.

Wrinkles around my eyes indicate where laughter and smiles once were. Memories of watching my children, laughing at their antics.

The puffy dry, sunken eyes from all of the tears that have fallen on to the cheeks below.

They show the sheer exhaustion that comes with parenting, the years of sleepless nights and early mornings.

The deep lines show the fear of receiving another diagnosis.

Creases of joy of having a wonderful family and friendship.

Memories of my youth.

They show the loneliness of what Cancer can do to you.

And they show jubilation of bringing up three amazing boys.

But most of all, each and every wrinkle, crease, crow foot and age spot shows thankfulness. Thankful that I live another day, week, month and year to carry on mapping my life.

Every Wrinkle. Every crease. Every flaw. Every age spot. Every detail maps the life that I have lived. A journey that has brought tears, worry, laughter, memories, happiness and sadness.

A journey of life.

A journey that, I hope, I will continue on. Adding on more wrinkles and lines in years to come. Adding on to my story.

These lines on my face are not wrinkles, they are survival lines. Each telling its own story of happiness and sadness.



What will the future hold….

As I sit down at the dining table, I hear my boys from upstairs, fighting, arguing, playing, shouting and just being plain noisy little terrors. And as I am about to open my mouth and shout up the stairs for them to calm down a bit and be a little quieter. I think how quickly life goes by. I don’t want to be known by my boys as the Mummy who shouted at us a lot. I want them to be boys. In fact. I don’t want them to grow up at all.

I know most of us parents look at our little babies and wish for them to stay tiny forever. My boys are growing up too fast and I just want life to slow down So I can take in every second of their lives. My boys are my babies, no matter their age.

My eldest no longer cuddles me and the ‘I Love you Mum’ is becoming less and less.

My boys drive me mad. I am forever pulling them apart and shouting at them. My days don’t go by without me having to tell them off, there are points in my day that I sit and cry. There are days when I think I just can’t go on anymore. There are days that I just want to walk away from the fighting and tantrums. But these are normal. No ones life as a parent runs smoothly.

And as hard as It is raising three hyper boys who are forever on the go. I look at them and I just don’t want to them to grow up.

I don’t want to let go of them. I don’t want them to leave me.

Oh, I wish for them to have a happy, successful life. Get married. Have children. Be in a their dream job. I just don’t want them to forget, little old me. The Mum who took them to clubs when they were younger. The Mum who played on the floor with them for hours, in their imaginary game. The Mum who sat up all night long watching them breath when they were ill. The Mum who watched them compete and perform with tears of pride in her eyes. The Mum who taught them right from wrong, taught them how to love and who was always there for them.

It’s the well-known quote “A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter’s a daughter fort he rest of her life” that scares me. I myself am closer to my Mum than my Dad, although I love my Dad. It’s my Mum whom I call every day and talk to when upset.

What will the future hold?

I just pray to my boys that I will not be one of those Mother in law from hell. I will become their partners friend as much as I am theirs.

I live my days for my boys and like many other parents my weekends are planned around them. My life changed when they came, for the best. I became who I am now. I am who I am because of my boys. I’m scared of what I will become without them around.

What will the future hold? No one knows! Please Boys, Don’t forget Mummy.





Yesterday was an extremely emotional day for the family as it marked the end of an Era for the eldest boy, of whom it was his last day as a junior school child as in September he goes up to year 7 in senior school. Most children enter their new senior school with fellow friends that they have known for  8 years as they have gone through Nursery, Reception, Infants and Juniors with, but Jak is going to a school that is out of his borough and he will have to build new friendships with the fellow year 7 children.

Yesterday Jak waved goodbye not only to his friends but also to the Teachers and Teaching Assistants who he had gone through school with, as he entered the school for the last time as a year 6 pupil, carrying with him presents for the staff, he held his head up took a big gulp and walked in through the doors. 6 hours later he exits through the same doors with wet cheeks as he cried tears of happiness and sadness. He has made some fabulous friends and I am sure that they will keep in touch.

Yesterday reminded me of his first ever day in Nursery….we had walked into the nursery after being greeted by the teacher and nursery nurse,  he walked away from me and over to the kitchen area as he thought that he had seen a child that he had met in Pre-school. He tapped the boy on the shoulder and as the boy turned round, they both screamed and began hugging each other. I knew then that My first born was going to settle in well at the school and what i saw was the beginning of a very close friendship. Yes they have their moments, they argue, they fight, they don’t talk for days but One thing is for sure is that I know they will miss each other in their new schools.

Yesterday I cried as i watched my boy walk down the street, all grown up yet still looking like my baby boy. He has become such a handsome, clever young chap of whom i am very proud of. As he walked away from me into school I suddenly realised how life can go by so quickly if you let it!

The teachers in the school have taught him so much, he has achieved only what you would dream of….not the impossible as he has rightly proved! Without the persistence and and encouragement from his teachers he would never be as confident as he is, they have backed him in his acting and helped him to achieve level 6 in both teaching assessments and SATs.

Yesterday my first born cried as for 8 years of his life all he has known is Roding Primary and its surroundings, it’s an old school and the children are all quite close together. He said farewell to an important part of his life and now awaits a new and exciting part to arrive.

To My Son Jak, you are amazing and I am truly blessed to have you as my son… Yesterday wasn’t goodbye It was see you soon, Yesterday was the start of a New Era!



Letting go! Is this TOO much independence?

The boy is going to Amsterdam Without Mummy!

A few months ago, Jak attended an audition for a part in the English National Opera ‘Death In Venice’ , on the same day he received a call back, which meant he had to go back into the theatre for another audition. He walked away from the audition excited and very happy, we was told that if he had been selected we would be hearing from them the following week. After a week, i received the email ‘Congratulations! Jak has been picked to appear in the production’, we had a little scream together and after Jak could catch his breath and come back down to earth we read the email together properly.

Jak will be appearing in a number of productions at the Coliseum in London but he will also be flying out to Amsterdam for 6 days to guest in the Music Theatre over there and appear in 3 productions there.

There was a lot of rehearsals involved, we counted 17 in total and 1 dress rehearsal which will be performed infront of an audience.

I sat down with Jak and we went through the dates and discussed a few things;

“Are you happy to be doing this Jak?”

“Will you be able to catch up with your school work?”

“How will you feel about acting in a big theatre?”

“How will you feel about being away from Mum and Dad?”

“How do you feel about being in an Opera? Do you know much about what happens in an Opera?”

After much thought he decided that he wanted to take part, so we accepted the role and got to work with gathering together the paperwork that would be needed to get the licence set up.

As i mentioned before Jak will be travelling to Amsterdam, The Netherlands, 330 miles away from home to perform in a theatre there but the big thing is, it will be without Mummy or Daddy! He will be chaperoned the whole time by the same chaperones that are currently with him throughout every rehearsal and every performance in London.

How do i feel about this:

Excited for him to be a part of such an amazing experience

Anxious, uneasy, nervous that he will so far away from me and i won’t be able to tuck him at night, ask him how his day has been, unable to comfort him if he is upset or sick

I feel sick at the thought of not having him in the same country as me, i’m hyperventilating, this is epic!

Worried that he may come into danger whilst away, apprehensive at the fear of possible harm that may come to him

I feel that i may be sending my baby away but may be receiving a young man back

Happy to know that he will be enjoying himself doing something that he chose to do

I know that as he is 10 nearly 11 that he will have to have some of his own independence soon, he will have to make his own choices either bad or good and that he has to learn about life but that doesn’t stop me from being so worried about the whole situation does it?

Have i made the wrong decision? Should i not allow him to go away for the sake of my own feelings? Or should i have faith in how grown up and mature that he is?

He will be missing his 4 days away with school to Ringsfield in Norfolk because he will be performing in London mid week (which he chose to do) so it kind of makes up with going to Amsterdam. He will be still be receiving schooling when he is in Amsterdam, in fact he will be getting 3 hours a day which is quite a lot considering there is only 7 children.

He will be visiting a new city and exploring it, learning about the culture and seeing new things, like the canals and the galleries

He will have an experience of a lifetime that not many children get the opportunity to do

He gets to perform in a different country

It’s giving him freedom and allowing him to grow

It’s teaching him how to be responsible and giving him new experiences

Am i such a bad mum for not going along with him?