Who Is this I see in the mirror?

I look in to the mirror and I don’t like what I see…

I see a mind that is confused and muddled up. It’s being dangled over the hedge by thin thread. Waiting. Waiting to be saved or to be dropped to the unknown below. The mind is lost, It needs to find itself again but there are so many obstacles, brick walls, oceans and elements in its way it has no idea where to turn. It’s in a maze not knowing what is round the corner or up ahead.

I see loneliness. I see a scared little girl needing some company. A little girl who needs comforting. A little girl who just wants to play and be carefree. Emptiness. Stillness

I look in to the mirror and I don’t like what I see…

I see someone who I no longer recognise. I know that the real me is beyond the image but it’s hard to see. I see pain in the eyes. I see sadness.

The body has changed. I see bones. I see weakness. I see age.

I don’t like what is looking back at me

I do not recognise this person looking back me, she has changed so much in the past few months. The person looking back at me looks withdrawn and beaten.

I stand and stare and look beyond the unrecognisable image. It’s hard. It takes a while.

If I look deep enough, far enough I can see a light. I can see the person who I was before. Fighting. A strong person. A person who wants to be victorious.

Even though I am weak I know that I am becoming stronger each day. We need bad days in order to realise what a good day is.

I may have tears but I am also able to smile.

Being strong is the only choice I have.

 

12 thoughts on “Who Is this I see in the mirror?

  1. I have come back to this post for the third time today as I just did not know what to write.
    After having a good read of your blog I realised that we have met before, earlier this year and now for some strange reason I can’t help thinking it was meant to be!
    Earlier in the year maybe March or April my sister, my Daughter and I attended an event at Rainham marshes (Hattie Garlick) yep that one..!
    We went purely to get away from our hometown for the day and distract our minds away from the past few months. We were probably quite miserable and didn’t really make conversation with anyone which is very unlike us but we had spent the last few months caring for our beautiful mum who we had recently lost to cancer. The first part of the year was a blur and that first outing still so. However… That day we sat outside and ate lunch with an amazing young boy who did not stop talking!! But we were stunned at how passionate, intelligent and sociable this little lad was and had the most wonderful conversation. That boy was your son – I remember him telling us your blog name!
    I am sorry for what you were going through as we were all soldiering on that day unaware of what each other was going through.
    I don’t know you but I went through the journey every single day with my Mum and it breaks my heart to read that your feeling like this.
    But I hope it gives you great comfort knowing that your darling child had such an impact on us that day and helped us through a tough time even for 30 minutes.
    It takes some pretty good parenting and a loving family to raise children like that.
    I hope we will meet again one day – until then stay strong and keep going xx
    Mary xx

  2. It’s such a lonely place to be, but you sound as though there is strength inside. Keep fighting and realising that the bad days are only there to prove there are good days xx

  3. “We need bad days in order to realise what a good day is” – THIS. This is exactly spot-on. There may be some bad days along the way but it sounds as though you’re dealing with is with an amazing amount of strength and fortitude. Sending healing wishes xx

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