A Letter To My 14yr Old Son

Dear Son

When I found out that I was pregnant with you, it was quite a shock! I doubted myself and my ability to look after you. Even though I was 24, I thought that I was still to young to have children. I didn’t want to fail you as a parent and was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take on the responsibility if looking after a young baby.

As soon as I began to feel you move around inside of my tummy my love for you began to grow, you was mine – all mine.

The day you was born, my life changed.

The moment you came into this world you brought an ache into my heart that I had never experienced before, a love that was so strong it brought to tears to my eyes and a pain in my chest. You taught me the meaning of unconditional love.

You was a mummy’s boy and I was your biggest supporter. With every milestone that you reached; crawling, first steps, first word, first pee on the potty, I reveled in euphoria.

You was such a clever little boy. At 2 years old you showed an interest in cars and used to point out to me all the makes of them as they passed by. I had no idea where you had learned it from as I didn’t drive and had no understanding of them myself. I remember sitting on a bus one day; you was looking out of the window and was pointing out the cars as they passed us, saying their names and getting quite excited. The other passengers were laughing and encouraging you by asking you what the next car was. You knew them all!

You have, to this day, a presence about you that leaves people in awe. Such confidence in yourself, no matter what it is you try you will always put everything into it.

I sometimes wish that you were still that little intrigued boy. I often miss him, thinking about what you were like as a small boy. The way you used to line up your cars in colours, sizes and models. How we could never pass by a Bob the Builder ride that was outside the supermarket because you would shout to have a go on it. When you used to come in to my room at night and sneak into my side of the bed for a cuddle. And, you was always full of energy, running around I circles in the living room because you wouldn’t give in to your tiredness.

You was such a caring, thoughtful young boy – Still are!

You filled my days with such pure delight

Over the past 14 years I have watched you grow from a young boy into a young man. You are still caring and thoughtful. You have learnt so much but there is so much more for you to learn now as an adult. Life is a continuous journey and I am so glad that I am a part of yours. You have hopes and dreams and aspirations. Their will be challenges but I have confidence in you that you will overcome them, you will make mistakes, as everyone does, but remember, that is how we learn. You will have times of contentment and times of sadness, life has its ups and downs. You are a strong boy who will overcome them all.

This past year has been a tough one for us all, you have shown such maturity and your attitude towards my illness has been a positive one. If anyone could be optimistic about their mum having cancer its you! You tell everyone that my illness has taught you how to grow up, how to fend for yourself and how to be positive.

You have taught yourself to cook and to look after your siblings. Your attitude towards it all has been a positive one. Giving me support and showing me that you are much more to me than just my son. You are my friend.

You are an incredible, unique boy and I want you to know what an amazing young man you have turned out to be.

There were days when I was in hospital, when I woke, to find you sitting by my bedside holding on to my hand and stroking my head. You are such a caring boy. Full of love and compassion.

You have such a bright future ahead of you and I trust that you will accomplish anything you set out to do. You have a drive to succeed. You are your own person, have your own interests, thought and opinions and are not afraid of showing who you are to others. You are clever and very knowledgeable. I have no doubt in my mind that you will succeed.

Follow your heart, hopes and dreams and become the man whom I know you will turn out to be. Be yourself and accomplish great things.

I am who I am because of you. I love you dearly

Your forever loving Mum

 

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In This Moment…

As I lay here with my child in my arms, his little face tucked into my neck and his arms wrapped around my body, I breathe in. A deep long breath.

I take in the smell of his sweat skin.

I can feel the warmth of his breath on my cool skin.

I watch his little chest go up and down as his heart beats away

If only time could stand still. In this moment right now, I am at peace

I could watch him sleep forever, I wonder what he dreams?

My love for him so pure and so painful

I want to protect him of all sadness in this world, to keep him in a little bubble and for him to never experience hurt

I watch the corners of his pink lips raise, as if he is smiling

Oh, how my heart aches!

I feel my eyes begin to well up, tears are flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks

I taste the saltiness of a tear that has landed onto my lips

My heart skips a beat as In this moment, right now, I could not love him anymore than I do

I see innocence and beauty

I no longer feel the stress of every day life, I just feel complete

In this moment it’s easy to forget all the upset and bad that is happening around us

It’s easy to forget my illness

As a Mum, I only have one job and that is to raise and protect my children

I remember the first moment he was placed into my arms and how precious he was

My heart beats for him

I wipe away a tear from the corner of my eye and breathe in the moment

I place my finger on his cheek and run it gently, as not to wake him, along his face towards his ear

His skin is soft and warm to touch

I cherish these moments, storing the memories in my heart

I will not always be around for my boy but I hope that he knows that wherever he is, I will always be with him in his heart

 

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My Unconditional Love

When I found out I was pregnant with all three of my boys, I never had that instant feeling of love for them. It sounds wrong doesn’t it? It wasn’t until I felt that first little flutter in my tummy (that could have easily been passed for wind) that I wanted to protect them. As the boys grew and my tummy started to expand I began to feel and see their little feet and hands pushing against my skin, I knew then that the love I had for them was unconditional. I knew that no-one would come even close to the love I had for them. A parents love and need for their children is strong.

The first time I held my boys and looked into there eyes, I only felt love. I didn’t want to let them go, put them down or leave them with anyone. I wanted to cherish as much of them as possible. I was selfish in a way, as I didn’t want anyone else to be with them. They were mine, all mine. I breathed in their sweet sweaty smell of their skin, I stroked their cute little wrinkled face, I watched as they wrapped their tiny little fingers around mine, I felt their tiny heart beat against my skin and I held them tight. As tight as I could. Motherly love instantly kicking in. No time for tiredness just time for them.

Since giving birth to my first son some 13 years ago, I havent really left them with anyone. My life changed. I became a stay at home Mum and spent my days hugging and holding my boys. It’s not that I don’t trust anyone with them but I need to be near them, I need to be close to them. I am their protector, their guide through life. We do everything together, obviously they do their own things with friends but when they are at home we are always together.

My boys are certainly Mummy boys. Where ever I go they go too. I can’t even go to the toilet without them waiting outside of the door for me. It’s me who they confide in when having troubles at school or with friends. It’s me who they come to when they are upset. It’s me who they cry for when they are hurt. It’s me who kisses all their hurt away. It’s me who they sit and watch TV with and cuddle up to on the sofa. Dad is around but it has always been Mummy. My fault entirely for being over protective of them. But I wouldn’t change it. They are independent boys, they don’t need me for anything but I am always near by if and when they need me.

From the first moment I held my boys to now my love has not faltered. I have the same fluttery feeling, my heart aches and I get a lump in my throat.

As I have said before, my boys are my life. They are the reason why I fight every day. They are the reason why I am so strong. They are the reason why I have hope.

Recently with the bad news that I received, my heart ripped in two. I know it sounds weird but I felt it. My heart ached. It pained. It was hard to breathe. My throat was dry. My boys showed me that Love will conquer. Love is strong. My heart is nothing without them. The love I receive from them is full on, mighty and energetic.

We are a team.

My love may be unconditional for them but It certainly isn’t blinded by their behaviour. My boys are no saints. They fight, shout, scream, their lazy and messy. They can push me to the limit and I may shout at them but we all know that this is part of growing up, they know that I love them and I only want the best for them.

I love how my eldest has a strong passion for running and swimming. He is caring and thoughtful. He is very clever, being a member of mensa at the age of 11. His brain is like a sponge and when he talks its like he has swallowed a dictionary/thesaurus.

I love the middle ones sensitivity. He is very caring and loving. He loves his lego and has a creative imagination. He loves to spend time with family and be close to them. He is witty and charming.

I love the shear strength of the youngest. He is strong willed and very determined. I can see him being very clever when he is older but hopefully not get side tracked by peers. He is loving and bubbly. He is shy but also determined.

All three of them put their heart into everything and always want to achieve at their utmost.

All three are my unconditional love.

 

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Being a Mum to 3 boys

Being a working mum to 3 boys is hard going, there just isn’t enough time in the day to fit everything in. Now the days are getting lighter we might be able to fit more in, like visits to the park or after school shopping.

Their are 5 common questions that people in the public like to ask me when they see me on my own with my children

Things I hear being a mum to 3 boys

  • “3 boys! Are they all yours?”

Well yes, they are! I don’t normally go supermarket shopping just for the fun of it with extra children.

  • “I bet they keep you busy!”

Wouldn’t you be busy with three boys under the age of 13! Yes they keep me on my toes and yes they are very active and like to be outdoors but I have cuddles on tap and they adore their Mummy

  • “Are you going to try for a girl? Followed by Did you want a girl?”

Really!! How could I possibly try for a girl, I could keep getting pregnant just in case they baby ends up being a girl. We don’t get to choose what sex our baby will be. I can just imagine the conversation before sex “Darling could you please impregnate me with a baby girl/boy” “Sure Honey, Just lay down and It in a few minutes you will have a baby girl in side of you” Oh dear! Or their being a gender machine in the hospital that you can use on your first appointment, where you can choose the sex.

Did I ever want a girl. I can’t say that I have ever yearned to hold a baby girl, I was just happy that my babies were healthy and thriving when they were born. I guess, I sometimes look at little girl outfits and  go a bit broody, I mean who wouldn’t! Pretty girls dresses are adorable

  • “Anymore?”

I have 3 children already and I’m sure I look like I’ve not had a decent nights sleep in years. Having three boys has aged me massively, but I wouldn’t change it. I’m happy with 3 and NO I really don’t want to have anymore

  • “You look tired! Wait until they get older!”

Why would I have less sleep when they are older compared to now. I can’t see me worrying anymore over them as I do now to what i would do if they were 5 years older. If one falls ill then I am up all night long with them and sods law the others fall ill within days after. I take them to clubs, I watch them in competitions, I support them in school and I take them to their auditions and shoots. In fact I’m looking forward to them growing up and them being able to make me a cup of coffee and a slice of toast. Rest assured I will have plenty more restless nights but they are worth it for the cuddles I receive in return. Each age line on my face can tell an exciting story of what it is like to be a parent to 3 boys

I am pretty sure that I could add to the list but these are questions i come across weekly when I’m out and about with my three boys

Do you have any you could add?

 

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A sick day or 100% attendance

Yesterday I received that phone call in work that all parents dread. The moment you hear the words “This is ******** school calling, we have ******** in the school office feeling unwell”!

As a working parent, that doesn’t have family at hand to help out when my children are sick, it means that I have to call in work for the day off to look after my child. And as an employer of a school, I always feel guilty having to have time off and not being there for the children in school. But my main priority is my own children at home. It doesn’t happen that often, maybe once or twice a year and I don’t normally have time off due to sickness. But i still feel like I should be there for my work colleagues and children.

Also, the first thing that comes to mind when your child is sick is that of attendance. Yes, it is drummed into our heads so much by schools that our children need to attend in order to receive those precious certificates that they give out for 100% attendance. I can understand on both parties, the school why it is important for children to attend school every day of the school year and why as a parent we keep them at home. I think that maybe if we, as parents could show a doctor’s note to the school then the child should still get a certificate. It really isn’t a child’s fault that they are ill. In fact they have probably caught a bug from one of those children in school that get 100% attendance.

After receiving the call I rushed over to my son’s school to pick him up. I was told over the phone that he was very sleepy and just not himself. As he walked out of the office, I looked at his face and saw that he did look at little peaky. I carried him home and he fell asleep in my arms. A clear sign of him not being very well. My son is normally a very loud, active child who doesn’t really sit still long enough to get comfortable. When we got home I placed him on the sofa and gave him some medicine, within minutes he was asleep.

I thought that maybe once he had a little rest and when he woke up he would be ok. But I was wrong. He woke with a temperature of 39c and crying in pain. It’s horrible when our little ones are ill. I just want to take his pain for him and hold him tight. His skin was burning up and his heart was beating fast, a clear sign of a fever. I stripped him down to his underwear and put a cold damp cloth onto his forehead. His temperature dropped a little and he was saying he was hungry. After eating only a few grapes, he was sick. I was so glad that i had thought that maybe he could vomit as i has got the bowl out ready. You know as a parent, as soon as our children say they are not well, you grab the bucket just incase.

We had quite an unsettled night as we both slept downstairs on the sofa, we’re lucky our sofa is as big as a single bed and just as comfy. Little one kept crying in the night and was really hot to touch. It was sitting next to a radiator. I kept giving him sips of water and calpol and lots of hugs and reassurance that Mummy was there with him.

He woke feeling hungry. Careful not to fill up his little empty belly too quickly, I gave him half a weetabix. He would normally eat 2. Clever Mummy. As he brought that straight up too.

Since this morning we have had no sickness, but he is drifting in and out sleep and his temperature seems to have dropped with the intake of the medicine.

It’s a sofa day for us 2, watching Netflix and snuggling under his duvet. We still have the sick bucket close by, just in case!

There is no possible way that he would have managed a day at school today. He can hardly move without falling over. He has no energy and just keeps sleeping. And if I had sent him in he would have just been sent home straight away with the school thinking that I am not a very caring Mummy. Also with the school rules of ‘Once your child is sick they need 24 hours away from school after the last vomiting session’ it means that he can not be in any way.

So now he faces the assembly where he has to watch other children being given certificates because they haven’t been sick and vomited and applaud them as he receives nothing.

Unfair. Silly. Discriminating.

Is it an achievement for not falling sick?

I do think that it is important to reward children who are determined in school, contribute to class activities and are making attainments in subjects. Surely there is another way?

What do you think?

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What will the future hold….

As I sit down at the dining table, I hear my boys from upstairs, fighting, arguing, playing, shouting and just being plain noisy little terrors. And as I am about to open my mouth and shout up the stairs for them to calm down a bit and be a little quieter. I think how quickly life goes by. I don’t want to be known by my boys as the Mummy who shouted at us a lot. I want them to be boys. In fact. I don’t want them to grow up at all.

I know most of us parents look at our little babies and wish for them to stay tiny forever. My boys are growing up too fast and I just want life to slow down So I can take in every second of their lives. My boys are my babies, no matter their age.

My eldest no longer cuddles me and the ‘I Love you Mum’ is becoming less and less.

My boys drive me mad. I am forever pulling them apart and shouting at them. My days don’t go by without me having to tell them off, there are points in my day that I sit and cry. There are days when I think I just can’t go on anymore. There are days that I just want to walk away from the fighting and tantrums. But these are normal. No ones life as a parent runs smoothly.

And as hard as It is raising three hyper boys who are forever on the go. I look at them and I just don’t want to them to grow up.

I don’t want to let go of them. I don’t want them to leave me.

Oh, I wish for them to have a happy, successful life. Get married. Have children. Be in a their dream job. I just don’t want them to forget, little old me. The Mum who took them to clubs when they were younger. The Mum who played on the floor with them for hours, in their imaginary game. The Mum who sat up all night long watching them breath when they were ill. The Mum who watched them compete and perform with tears of pride in her eyes. The Mum who taught them right from wrong, taught them how to love and who was always there for them.

It’s the well-known quote “A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter’s a daughter fort he rest of her life” that scares me. I myself am closer to my Mum than my Dad, although I love my Dad. It’s my Mum whom I call every day and talk to when upset.

What will the future hold?

I just pray to my boys that I will not be one of those Mother in law from hell. I will become their partners friend as much as I am theirs.

I live my days for my boys and like many other parents my weekends are planned around them. My life changed when they came, for the best. I became who I am now. I am who I am because of my boys. I’m scared of what I will become without them around.

What will the future hold? No one knows! Please Boys, Don’t forget Mummy.

 

 

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Dear So and So…..

Dear so and so are letters to strangers, things you want to say to someone but never got round to.

Dear lady on the underground train,

Thank you so much for offering my children and I your seat, you must have seen how stressed and exhausted I looked. Travelling on the tube with young children is taxing enough, but travelling with 3 children plus luggage isn’t easy. I saw the compassion in your eyes. I really did appreciate it, but I declined and I hope that you understand why! We was only staying on the train for two stops and I would have had arguments from the two youngest of who would have sat in the seat. Plus we had two small suitcases to move and it was busy. The offer of your seat was kind and enough to make me smile for a moment, I looked at  my boys and saw the delight in their eyes. They was excited in travelling on the train. As we stood up on the moving train, for the next two stops, we played eye spy and had fun. I forgot about being tired, your offer gave me a boost of energy.

Thank you

A very grateful mum

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Dear Parkdean Holiday Park,

We recently stayed at one of your parks down on the south coast, Hayling Island. Such a lovely place. We was very happy with our caravan, it was clean and very comfy. You don’t know how much relief it is to arrive at 8:00 pm in the evening and to find that the beds are all made up ready for the children to rest their weary heads. As soon as we pulled up infront of the reception in the taxi, we was greeted by your security staff who were very polite and friendly. The children and I were helped with our luggage and directed into the main building where we was to pick up the keys to the caravan. The security man behind the reception desk was very helpful and chatted away to the boys, who were running around with excitement at seeing the arcade and rides. We never had a problem with any of your staff over the two days that we stayed with you, we found them to be polite and accommodating. The caravan was lovely and very comfortable. I would like to say Thank you for a wonderful restful weekend, the boys absolutely loved staying there an I am sure we will be back again soon. We even had tears on the way home, because they didn’t want to leave.

Thank you again

A very happy holidayer

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Dear Man on the Funland Ride,

It’s not easy having children who are small for their age, especially when it comes to riding on the funfair/theme park rides. The boys had spent most of their tokens up on the rides and was having a ball going on all the rides. There was one particular ride that the two youngest wanted to go on, a roller coaster. It was 3 tokens per person but we only had 6 left, that would have been ok if Oliver hadn’t been just under 0.9 metres he could have gone on with his older brother, but he was under the measurement line. As I was just about to explain to him, you called us over and said I could go on with him without paying. You must have seen his animated face and how excited he was. You made his day. He screamed with delight when the roller coaster went fast round the bend.

Thank you for making a little boy very happy

A happy customer.

 

I am linking this post up with Mummy from the heart Dear so and So Linky

 


Dear So and So at Mummy from the Heart
 

If you could say something to a stranger, what would it be?

 

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