In This Moment…

As I lay here with my child in my arms, his little face tucked into my neck and his arms wrapped around my body, I breathe in. A deep long breath.

I take in the smell of his sweat skin.

I can feel the warmth of his breath on my cool skin.

I watch his little chest go up and down as his heart beats away

If only time could stand still. In this moment right now, I am at peace

I could watch him sleep forever, I wonder what he dreams?

My love for him so pure and so painful

I want to protect him of all sadness in this world, to keep him in a little bubble and for him to never experience hurt

I watch the corners of his pink lips raise, as if he is smiling

Oh, how my heart aches!

I feel my eyes begin to well up, tears are flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks

I taste the saltiness of a tear that has landed onto my lips

My heart skips a beat as In this moment, right now, I could not love him anymore than I do

I see innocence and beauty

I no longer feel the stress of every day life, I just feel complete

In this moment it’s easy to forget all the upset and bad that is happening around us

It’s easy to forget my illness

As a Mum, I only have one job and that is to raise and protect my children

I remember the first moment he was placed into my arms and how precious he was

My heart beats for him

I wipe away a tear from the corner of my eye and breathe in the moment

I place my finger on his cheek and run it gently, as not to wake him, along his face towards his ear

His skin is soft and warm to touch

I cherish these moments, storing the memories in my heart

I will not always be around for my boy but I hope that he knows that wherever he is, I will always be with him in his heart

 

My Unconditional Love

When I found out I was pregnant with all three of my boys, I never had that instant feeling of love for them. It sounds wrong doesn’t it? It wasn’t until I felt that first little flutter in my tummy (that could have easily been passed for wind) that I wanted to protect them. As the boys grew and my tummy started to expand I began to feel and see their little feet and hands pushing against my skin, I knew then that the love I had for them was unconditional. I knew that no-one would come even close to the love I had for them. A parents love and need for their children is strong.

The first time I held my boys and looked into there eyes, I only felt love. I didn’t want to let them go, put them down or leave them with anyone. I wanted to cherish as much of them as possible. I was selfish in a way, as I didn’t want anyone else to be with them. They were mine, all mine. I breathed in their sweet sweaty smell of their skin, I stroked their cute little wrinkled face, I watched as they wrapped their tiny little fingers around mine, I felt their tiny heart beat against my skin and I held them tight. As tight as I could. Motherly love instantly kicking in. No time for tiredness just time for them.

Since giving birth to my first son some 13 years ago, I havent really left them with anyone. My life changed. I became a stay at home Mum and spent my days hugging and holding my boys. It’s not that I don’t trust anyone with them but I need to be near them, I need to be close to them. I am their protector, their guide through life. We do everything together, obviously they do their own things with friends but when they are at home we are always together.

My boys are certainly Mummy boys. Where ever I go they go too. I can’t even go to the toilet without them waiting outside of the door for me. It’s me who they confide in when having troubles at school or with friends. It’s me who they come to when they are upset. It’s me who they cry for when they are hurt. It’s me who kisses all their hurt away. It’s me who they sit and watch TV with and cuddle up to on the sofa. Dad is around but it has always been Mummy. My fault entirely for being over protective of them. But I wouldn’t change it. They are independent boys, they don’t need me for anything but I am always near by if and when they need me.

From the first moment I held my boys to now my love has not faltered. I have the same fluttery feeling, my heart aches and I get a lump in my throat.

As I have said before, my boys are my life. They are the reason why I fight every day. They are the reason why I am so strong. They are the reason why I have hope.

Recently with the bad news that I received, my heart ripped in two. I know it sounds weird but I felt it. My heart ached. It pained. It was hard to breathe. My throat was dry. My boys showed me that Love will conquer. Love is strong. My heart is nothing without them. The love I receive from them is full on, mighty and energetic.

We are a team.

My love may be unconditional for them but It certainly isn’t blinded by their behaviour. My boys are no saints. They fight, shout, scream, their lazy and messy. They can push me to the limit and I may shout at them but we all know that this is part of growing up, they know that I love them and I only want the best for them.

I love how my eldest has a strong passion for running and swimming. He is caring and thoughtful. He is very clever, being a member of mensa at the age of 11. His brain is like a sponge and when he talks its like he has swallowed a dictionary/thesaurus.

I love the middle ones sensitivity. He is very caring and loving. He loves his lego and has a creative imagination. He loves to spend time with family and be close to them. He is witty and charming.

I love the shear strength of the youngest. He is strong willed and very determined. I can see him being very clever when he is older but hopefully not get side tracked by peers. He is loving and bubbly. He is shy but also determined.

All three of them put their heart into everything and always want to achieve at their utmost.

All three are my unconditional love.

 

What will the future hold….

As I sit down at the dining table, I hear my boys from upstairs, fighting, arguing, playing, shouting and just being plain noisy little terrors. And as I am about to open my mouth and shout up the stairs for them to calm down a bit and be a little quieter. I think how quickly life goes by. I don’t want to be known by my boys as the Mummy who shouted at us a lot. I want them to be boys. In fact. I don’t want them to grow up at all.

I know most of us parents look at our little babies and wish for them to stay tiny forever. My boys are growing up too fast and I just want life to slow down So I can take in every second of their lives. My boys are my babies, no matter their age.

My eldest no longer cuddles me and the ‘I Love you Mum’ is becoming less and less.

My boys drive me mad. I am forever pulling them apart and shouting at them. My days don’t go by without me having to tell them off, there are points in my day that I sit and cry. There are days when I think I just can’t go on anymore. There are days that I just want to walk away from the fighting and tantrums. But these are normal. No ones life as a parent runs smoothly.

And as hard as It is raising three hyper boys who are forever on the go. I look at them and I just don’t want to them to grow up.

I don’t want to let go of them. I don’t want them to leave me.

Oh, I wish for them to have a happy, successful life. Get married. Have children. Be in a their dream job. I just don’t want them to forget, little old me. The Mum who took them to clubs when they were younger. The Mum who played on the floor with them for hours, in their imaginary game. The Mum who sat up all night long watching them breath when they were ill. The Mum who watched them compete and perform with tears of pride in her eyes. The Mum who taught them right from wrong, taught them how to love and who was always there for them.

It’s the well-known quote “A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter’s a daughter fort he rest of her life” that scares me. I myself am closer to my Mum than my Dad, although I love my Dad. It’s my Mum whom I call every day and talk to when upset.

What will the future hold?

I just pray to my boys that I will not be one of those Mother in law from hell. I will become their partners friend as much as I am theirs.

I live my days for my boys and like many other parents my weekends are planned around them. My life changed when they came, for the best. I became who I am now. I am who I am because of my boys. I’m scared of what I will become without them around.

What will the future hold? No one knows! Please Boys, Don’t forget Mummy.

 

 

Dear 3 year old

I love you dearly, and not a second goes by where I don’t think how lucky I am to be your Mummy.

BUT…………..

You really know how to push my patience to the end of the line, to the point where I could literally pull my own hair out and scream at the top of my lungs. Every time you throw a tantrum/hissy fit in public you know Mummy can’t do much about it. There is no step to sit you on for 3 minutes silence nor can I take away your tablet as punishment as we don’t have it with us.

You know that if you hang on my arm as we are walking, that I will just have to pull you along! You will bounce away on your little feet and try your hardest to wriggle your tiny little fingers out of my grip as I try to hold your hand as we walk. But I will not give in, no matter how many times you fall on the floor on purpose, or if you tell me that my grip is hurting you.  You see, my dearest little boy, you are only 3 and If I let you walk along on your own it could be dangerous. Yet, you don’t understand danger just yet as you are so young. Your answer to everything at the moment is Why?

You know how to wind Mummy up by rolling around on the train floor, even though I have asked you nicely to sit still on the seat. As you roll over other people’s feet, I see your cheeky little face looking at me with that twinkle in your eye. I apologise to the passengers. But they just look at me rolling their eyes. I know what they’re thinking, obviously I can not control my child. And I can’t! I’ve tried to hug you to stop, I’ve tried to take your mind away from misbehaving on purpose by playing games with you, but you are bored and tired and at 3 years old you find it hard to control your feelings. I find the best thing to do is to ignore you. This seems to work as you get up and come and sit next to me. Another thing you do on the train is to stand up on the seat and shout. I’ve noticed that you don’t do this when it’s just you and I on our own, so I know it’s just to get my attention away from your siblings.

Why do you have to hold in your urine until the point that you wet yourself? I have asked you a number of times if you want to go to the toilet but you just say ‘No’. I know what the sign is now, you see I can see you knocking your knees together. I know why you can’t sit still. It drives me mad. I feel like I am stuck on a roundabout, going round and round. I’m sick of washing four lots of clothes and bedding every day. You know what you are doing, as you wouldn’t laugh at me when you tell me that you have had an accident.

Why do you have to hit out at me when I tell you off for doing something wrong, these melt downs can last up to 10 minutes and it’s hard work. It upsets me and you make me cry. Your only 3 but your kick can really hurt. It’s not just me that you hit, it’s your brothers too. They let you do it but I can see in their eyes that they have had enough. I know your tired. Why don’t you just tell me that you want to sleep, I will hold you in my arms and cradle you until your eyes close. I will hold you there until you’ve had a rest. But please, stop with the hitting and kicking. Close your eyes and give in.

Where does all your energy come from? You’re so little but you have an abundance of drive. I believe you could run the marathon and still have tons of energy left.

You make me feel like a failed mother. I struggle to control you and your temper. I guess I have failed.

I hug you every night to sleep. I kiss you every morning as you wake. I wipe away your tears when you are upset. I teach you new things every day. I try my best to be a good Mum.

You are not my first-born, you are my third! So I have been here before but just not like this. This type of behaviour is new to me.

NO matter how far you push me, I vow to be the Mummy that you need. I will always be here for you, but please meet me half way.

Love your tired out Mummy

The Mummy Tag

Just like the next person I am quite a nosy person and love to read about other peoples lives and what they do and don’t like, especially other mummies. I like to read for advice and to see if all other Mummies are how they are perceived in magazines or if they are exhausted like me!

I was tagged by farfromhomemama in The Mummy Tag, a tag which is all about ME! I have to answer 20 questions all about being a mummy

1. Are you a stay at home mum or a working mum?

I have three children and for the past two years I have been a working Mum. I work as a Teaching Assistant in a primary School, which I love and I also get all of the school holidays off to spend with the children. I do hate that I have missed doing a lot with Oliver during his first years, like the mother and toddler groups and spending lazy days at home with him

2. Would you have it any other way?

No! As much as i love my boys and would like to spend every minute of their waking day with them, it is good for us all to have time away from each other

3. Do you co-sleep?

I can not count the amount of times when i was breast feeding that I fell asleep with babe in arms whilst laying down in bed, but I never intentionally laid them down next to me in bed to fall asleep. Oliver, my youngest, has gone through a stage, since last summer he has used my hair as his comforter and falls asleep next to me in bed, but he is always placed into his bed before his dad or I fall asleep.

4. What is your one must-have item for your baby?

My changing bag. I bought a Pink Lining Yummy Mummy one when Oliver was 2 months old and I still use it now, It’s like a miniature suitcase. I love all the different compartments that you get in it and the designs is so cute.

5. How many kids do you plan on having?

I never planned on having any children, but i was blessed with three handsome young gentlemen, So I think that is where I will stop. So many people have asked me if I will try for girl but three children is enough for me, they keep me very busy.

6. Date nights. How many do you have per month?

We have only ever had 1 date night since having the children and that included in us staying over night in a hotel in London. It’s not easy finding a babysitter to watch three very energetic boys in their own home.

7. Your child’s favourite show?

My youngest loves Thomas the Tank Engine and Peppa Pig and the other two boys like to watch Dragon Ballz

8. Name one thing you bought before the baby but never ended up using?

I bought a dummy but the boys never took to them so they never used it.

9. Your child’s favourite food?

The boys love pasta! Jak the eldest likes sushi, Joseph the middle boy likes noodles and Oliver the youngest likes pasta in tomato sauce

10. How many cars does your family have?

We have two cars, one is Paul’s work van and the other, a galaxy, is the family car. We need a big car to fit us all in lol

11. Weight gain – before pregnancy, during, after and now?

I am quite lucky with my weight, I never weighed much different before when i was first pregnant to now. After giving birth to my second son in hospital, I remember walking into the day room to collect my dinner but the nurses wouldn’t give me any food as they didn’t believe that i was patient, my baby belly had gone flat, The nurse told me i had  strong tummy muscles.

12. Dream holiday with your kids?

It’s got to be Disneyland, the boys, like all children, watch the TV ads and shout out at me once it’s finished “I want to go there Mum!” Paul went when he was in his early twenties and said that he didn’t really enjoy it back then, but I’m sure with three excited boys it will never be boring.

13. Dream holiday without your kids?

I have always wanted to go to Italy, it looks all dreamy in pictures. I would like to stay by the lakes, taking in the beautiful scenery of the lake with the mountains as the backdrop, I would then like to move on to Milan and Rome and finally finishing off in the south on the Amalfi Coast.

14. How has your life changed since having kids?

Well of coarse I have settled down a lot, no more last minute visits to the pubs, no more Friday nights out on the town and No more sleeping in past 9 in the morning, but that said I wouldn’t have it any other way. My life has changed for the better, I have realised who I am. I live my life for my boys and not for me anymore, I have had a complete change in career where now I work with children and not adults.

15. Finish the sentence, ‘it makes my heart melt when …’.

I look at my boys. Just one smile from there mouths, one touch from there little hands and 3 little words that they say melts me. I have never felt love nor pride like it before.

16. Where do you shop for your kids?

I buy my boys clothes mostly from H&M, Next and sport shops (now that the elder two enjoy athletics)

 17. Favourite make up and skincare products?

I don’t really where that much make up and my skin is quite sensitive so I am quite fussy with what I use. I buy a lot of skincare creams from L’Occiataine and my makeup is MAC

18. Huggies or Pampers?

Pampers all the way.

19. Have you always wanted kids?

Nope. I didn’t want any children, but I was blessed with 3 adorable handsome young men.

20. Best part of being a mum?

Has got to be the Love that you get from your children and also the cuddles that are on tap, My days are never dull or boring.

Now to tag three other Mummies to join in on the Mummy Tag:

 

Last Night!

Last night salty tears rolled down my cheeks
Last night I cried tears of happiness
Last night I had shivers run down my spine
Last I was excited
Last night I witnessed something that I thought I could only dream of
Last night I beamed with pride
Last night I saw dedication and commitment

As I sat there in that huge room and saw you I felt as if I was the only person in the room, that it was me you was looking at!
As your small frame enters on the stage amongst the others, with so much confidence and refinery
You shone like a star to me
Others may had missed your cheeky little smile and the way you fiddled with your feet, but I was so transfixed with you that I didn’t miss a thing

Last night I beamed the biggest grin
Last night made me the happiest person ever
Last night I witnessed a boy turn into a young man, as you guided others near to you
Last night I saw how much you want this to happen
Last night I saw someone different to my little boy

As you stood there smiling and walking around on stage, I turned my head and look around myself! I saw thousands of eyes staring at you, I saw people enjoying what you were doing, I wanted to stand up amongst them and shout “That’s my boy! Up there!” The one you are all watching, the one you are all smiling at!

Last night I was the proudest mummy ever!
Last night I sat among others and watched you act your little heart out, without any words
Last night I watched my boy perform up the Westend!

Jak, you are an amazing boy! Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise!
You and your brothers have made me so proud
You are kind and caring
You are strong and loving
You are intelligent and committed
You are my son!


Inspiration

There is only one person who has influenced me enough to aspire like them and that is my Mum, she is an amazing woman who has taught me what is right and wrong in life, guided me on the right path and gave me the gift of love.

My mum is strong and holds her family together, she ignores her own needs to put others first, she is not greedy, nor selfish and is always there for me for whenever I need her. She doesn’t live close to me so we speak on the phone everyday and just to hear her voice makes me smile. When ever I am feeling down and am in need of some kind but right words my mum will always be there to listen. Her voice heats up my heart, calms and comforts me. Her words are wise and give reason, her advise is always required. Sometimes words do not need to pass our lips in order to enjoy each others company as we have the same mind to understand each other, we talk in silence, nodding and smiling at each other.

She is the most caring person I know who will do anything for anyone, she is beautiful inside and out and full of so much love to give. She may be small but her hugs are huge, full of affection and warmth. My mum is an incredible woman who is completely dedicated to her family.

My mum once told me that love is like elastic, it just grows and stretches to fit everyone in, I never thought I could feel such an immense love that I had for my mum for anyone else until I had my boys and then I understood on how love was like elastic.

My mum just isn’t my mum she is my best friend, we have shared secrets and our clothes with each other, laughed and cried together, spent precious time together, enjoyed each others company and holidayed together.

My mum has taught me compassion, to respect others, how not to be selfish, to accomplish, to be forgiving, dedication, inspiration and how to appreciate.

My mum has taught me everything i know, She has been my teacher, my nurse, my counsellor, my friend, my chef, my rescuer, my cleaner, my babysitter and much more but above all she IS MY MUM! She has brought joy to my life, taught me how to play and have fun, she is my sunshine on a dull day.

If i can be half as good as my mum is to me than i know i have achieved something good in my life.

Love you Mum x