Mum, Are You Proud Of Me?

There is nothing more that makes me proud of any of my three children than just being themselves.

I have three boys aged from 6 to 15 and they are all individuals, exceeding in different areas with talents and interests that are not the same as each other. That’s what makes them individuals.

There are no words that can describe how much each of them mean to me, I was blessed with three amazing young boys, who, without a doubt, I know will grow into three incredible young men. Being a Mum to these boys has given me a purpose in life and has shown me a new sense of being. They are why my heart beats and why blood runs through my veins. They give me energy like no other.

I am proud of all three of them and even though I tell them how much they all make me proud, the other day my middle boy (I actually hate calling him my middle boy, because they say that it’s always the middle child that gets left out and I am always conscious of that) asked me if he made me proud of him.

These 5 words stung my eyes.

There is nothing more that makes me proud of my boys than who they are. But, obviously my son was feeling a little left out.

We had had a couple of hours together doing something that he absolutely enjoys with a passion, we had gone cycling around the country park. He loves nature and the outdoors. So we spent some time, just him and I, cycling through the park looking at tress, listening to the birds and looking out across the lake at the birds swooping down to catch the fish.

He is such a sensitive soul and the most caring boy I know, he may not be outstanding academically but he is full of knowledge.

He can tell you so much about animals and their habitats. He can talk about them for hours.

He knows all about countries, there flags and where about they are in the world.

He can read a book of 600 pages, re-telling the story with passion, remembering every part of it.

He has his own fashion style, he always likes to look smart and likes to wear quirky clothes. He enjoys being different.

He is adventurous, courageous, intuitive, sensitive and loving.

I could go on describing how perfect he is to me, but like I said there really are not enough words.

I told him all this, all of the above and more.

I told him how much he means to me and that it makes me sad that he even had to ask me if he makes me proud.

I tell him and his brothers often how proud I am of them. Even for the little things. Like offering to hold the door open for someone, carrying my bag when they can see me struggling or for their caring nature.

Being proud of them doesn’t mean that they have to achieve something that is extra-ordinary or special. It’s seeing them grow. It’s watching them achieve personal goals. It’s those small moments that are giant steps of success. I give them praise when it matters and talk about the obstacles that they have overcome.

I held my son so tight and looked him in the eye and told him just look at me, with no words. Because no words could describe how proud of him I was, only the look of love and pride in my eyes could. That’s how we stood. In the middle of a country park, faces cupped into each others hands. Staring into each others eyes. (this in itself was an achievement for my son, as he finds it hard to keep eye contact) After a few moments we let go of our contact and cuddled each other. He just smiled at me and said that he saw the love nd adoration I had for him.

I myself, saw a little boy who was struggling to find a place for himself amongst the world around him. I saw a boy who needed Love. I told him whenever he needs that whenever he is feeling sad and alone to just remember the look in my eyes

I hope now he realises that words are not needed to show how proud I am of him.

 

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A Letter To My 14yr Old Son

Dear Son

When I found out that I was pregnant with you, it was quite a shock! I doubted myself and my ability to look after you. Even though I was 24, I thought that I was still to young to have children. I didn’t want to fail you as a parent and was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take on the responsibility if looking after a young baby.

As soon as I began to feel you move around inside of my tummy my love for you began to grow, you was mine – all mine.

The day you was born, my life changed.

The moment you came into this world you brought an ache into my heart that I had never experienced before, a love that was so strong it brought to tears to my eyes and a pain in my chest. You taught me the meaning of unconditional love.

You was a mummy’s boy and I was your biggest supporter. With every milestone that you reached; crawling, first steps, first word, first pee on the potty, I reveled in euphoria.

You was such a clever little boy. At 2 years old you showed an interest in cars and used to point out to me all the makes of them as they passed by. I had no idea where you had learned it from as I didn’t drive and had no understanding of them myself. I remember sitting on a bus one day; you was looking out of the window and was pointing out the cars as they passed us, saying their names and getting quite excited. The other passengers were laughing and encouraging you by asking you what the next car was. You knew them all!

You have, to this day, a presence about you that leaves people in awe. Such confidence in yourself, no matter what it is you try you will always put everything into it.

I sometimes wish that you were still that little intrigued boy. I often miss him, thinking about what you were like as a small boy. The way you used to line up your cars in colours, sizes and models. How we could never pass by a Bob the Builder ride that was outside the supermarket because you would shout to have a go on it. When you used to come in to my room at night and sneak into my side of the bed for a cuddle. And, you was always full of energy, running around I circles in the living room because you wouldn’t give in to your tiredness.

You was such a caring, thoughtful young boy – Still are!

You filled my days with such pure delight

Over the past 14 years I have watched you grow from a young boy into a young man. You are still caring and thoughtful. You have learnt so much but there is so much more for you to learn now as an adult. Life is a continuous journey and I am so glad that I am a part of yours. You have hopes and dreams and aspirations. Their will be challenges but I have confidence in you that you will overcome them, you will make mistakes, as everyone does, but remember, that is how we learn. You will have times of contentment and times of sadness, life has its ups and downs. You are a strong boy who will overcome them all.

This past year has been a tough one for us all, you have shown such maturity and your attitude towards my illness has been a positive one. If anyone could be optimistic about their mum having cancer its you! You tell everyone that my illness has taught you how to grow up, how to fend for yourself and how to be positive.

You have taught yourself to cook and to look after your siblings. Your attitude towards it all has been a positive one. Giving me support and showing me that you are much more to me than just my son. You are my friend.

You are an incredible, unique boy and I want you to know what an amazing young man you have turned out to be.

There were days when I was in hospital, when I woke, to find you sitting by my bedside holding on to my hand and stroking my head. You are such a caring boy. Full of love and compassion.

You have such a bright future ahead of you and I trust that you will accomplish anything you set out to do. You have a drive to succeed. You are your own person, have your own interests, thought and opinions and are not afraid of showing who you are to others. You are clever and very knowledgeable. I have no doubt in my mind that you will succeed.

Follow your heart, hopes and dreams and become the man whom I know you will turn out to be. Be yourself and accomplish great things.

I am who I am because of you. I love you dearly

Your forever loving Mum

 

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In This Moment…

As I lay here with my child in my arms, his little face tucked into my neck and his arms wrapped around my body, I breathe in. A deep long breath.

I take in the smell of his sweat skin.

I can feel the warmth of his breath on my cool skin.

I watch his little chest go up and down as his heart beats away

If only time could stand still. In this moment right now, I am at peace

I could watch him sleep forever, I wonder what he dreams?

My love for him so pure and so painful

I want to protect him of all sadness in this world, to keep him in a little bubble and for him to never experience hurt

I watch the corners of his pink lips raise, as if he is smiling

Oh, how my heart aches!

I feel my eyes begin to well up, tears are flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks

I taste the saltiness of a tear that has landed onto my lips

My heart skips a beat as In this moment, right now, I could not love him anymore than I do

I see innocence and beauty

I no longer feel the stress of every day life, I just feel complete

In this moment it’s easy to forget all the upset and bad that is happening around us

It’s easy to forget my illness

As a Mum, I only have one job and that is to raise and protect my children

I remember the first moment he was placed into my arms and how precious he was

My heart beats for him

I wipe away a tear from the corner of my eye and breathe in the moment

I place my finger on his cheek and run it gently, as not to wake him, along his face towards his ear

His skin is soft and warm to touch

I cherish these moments, storing the memories in my heart

I will not always be around for my boy but I hope that he knows that wherever he is, I will always be with him in his heart

 

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Thankful for being a Mother

Last weekend was Mothering Sunday

A day where children shower there Mummy’s with Love, presents, cards and time

A day where Mums from all over get to have a day off and spend it with their Children.

A day when children tell their Mums how much they love them and how much they are thankful for them being their mummy

I didn’t receive a shop bought card, or any flowers or a gift for that matter. But what I did get was far more rewarding and priceless. A day with my boys.

I don’t need a card to tell me how much they love me

I don’t need flowers or gifts to know that they love me

I receive kisses and cuddles every day from them, so this day was no exception

Instead we walked along hand in hand on a beach.

We talked and laughed at each others jokes

We ate chips on the sea front whilst the sun shone down on us

We watched the waves hit the shore

We enjoyed each others company

I sat and watched my boys play together, kick a football around and play fight with each other

I should be thanking them for making me the person I am today

I wouldn’t be a Mum without them. Without them I wouldn’t be me!

I am thankful on Mothers Day, as of the rest of the days of the year in being their Mum

My day couldn’t have been any better. I wasn’t upset that I didn’t receive gifts, as I’ve got my boys instead. They showered me with cuddles and kisses. They gave me laughter and fun and most of all they gave me memories of a lovely day together.

I celebrate every day the love I have for them and I know that they love me just as much as I do them.

I only have to hold them to feel their loving touch. Look into their eyes to see the love.

I am thankful for being their Mum every day that I breathe and nothing can take that away from me

 

 

 

 

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My Unconditional Love

When I found out I was pregnant with all three of my boys, I never had that instant feeling of love for them. It sounds wrong doesn’t it? It wasn’t until I felt that first little flutter in my tummy (that could have easily been passed for wind) that I wanted to protect them. As the boys grew and my tummy started to expand I began to feel and see their little feet and hands pushing against my skin, I knew then that the love I had for them was unconditional. I knew that no-one would come even close to the love I had for them. A parents love and need for their children is strong.

The first time I held my boys and looked into there eyes, I only felt love. I didn’t want to let them go, put them down or leave them with anyone. I wanted to cherish as much of them as possible. I was selfish in a way, as I didn’t want anyone else to be with them. They were mine, all mine. I breathed in their sweet sweaty smell of their skin, I stroked their cute little wrinkled face, I watched as they wrapped their tiny little fingers around mine, I felt their tiny heart beat against my skin and I held them tight. As tight as I could. Motherly love instantly kicking in. No time for tiredness just time for them.

Since giving birth to my first son some 13 years ago, I havent really left them with anyone. My life changed. I became a stay at home Mum and spent my days hugging and holding my boys. It’s not that I don’t trust anyone with them but I need to be near them, I need to be close to them. I am their protector, their guide through life. We do everything together, obviously they do their own things with friends but when they are at home we are always together.

My boys are certainly Mummy boys. Where ever I go they go too. I can’t even go to the toilet without them waiting outside of the door for me. It’s me who they confide in when having troubles at school or with friends. It’s me who they come to when they are upset. It’s me who they cry for when they are hurt. It’s me who kisses all their hurt away. It’s me who they sit and watch TV with and cuddle up to on the sofa. Dad is around but it has always been Mummy. My fault entirely for being over protective of them. But I wouldn’t change it. They are independent boys, they don’t need me for anything but I am always near by if and when they need me.

From the first moment I held my boys to now my love has not faltered. I have the same fluttery feeling, my heart aches and I get a lump in my throat.

As I have said before, my boys are my life. They are the reason why I fight every day. They are the reason why I am so strong. They are the reason why I have hope.

Recently with the bad news that I received, my heart ripped in two. I know it sounds weird but I felt it. My heart ached. It pained. It was hard to breathe. My throat was dry. My boys showed me that Love will conquer. Love is strong. My heart is nothing without them. The love I receive from them is full on, mighty and energetic.

We are a team.

My love may be unconditional for them but It certainly isn’t blinded by their behaviour. My boys are no saints. They fight, shout, scream, their lazy and messy. They can push me to the limit and I may shout at them but we all know that this is part of growing up, they know that I love them and I only want the best for them.

I love how my eldest has a strong passion for running and swimming. He is caring and thoughtful. He is very clever, being a member of mensa at the age of 11. His brain is like a sponge and when he talks its like he has swallowed a dictionary/thesaurus.

I love the middle ones sensitivity. He is very caring and loving. He loves his lego and has a creative imagination. He loves to spend time with family and be close to them. He is witty and charming.

I love the shear strength of the youngest. He is strong willed and very determined. I can see him being very clever when he is older but hopefully not get side tracked by peers. He is loving and bubbly. He is shy but also determined.

All three of them put their heart into everything and always want to achieve at their utmost.

All three are my unconditional love.

 

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Suddenly I felt love

As I lay here with my hand laid upon my sons chest, feeling his heart beat against my palm. My face snuggled into his arm, feeling the warmth of his skin against my cheek. A small salty tear drops from the corner of my eye onto my cheek. I do not cry for sadness but I cry for happiness and Love.

Looking back to when I was 24, I didn’t want children. Not that I didn’t like being around the little ones, I had plenty of nephew and nieces to give my love to but I was happy being on my own. I never dreamed of having one child let alone three. Now I have three lovely little boys I wouldn’t change it for the world. I never planned to be a Mum and when I found out that I was pregnant with my first, I was scared that I would never be able to look after and Love him like a Mother should do. I never understood what love was until I had my son.

I remember the first time I held him and that immense feeling I got as I looked down at his little screwed up face, as his little fingers searched for my hand and he grabbed tightly onto my finger. That moment will be etched into my heart forever. I suddenly felt like my heart was going to explode, It was like a magnet was drawing me into him. I couldn’t stop looking at him and knew from that moment that my life had changed and it would never be the same again. I felt love, I felt belonged, I was excited for what was to come, I suddenly felt love.

That feeling happened three times for me, each time I held my newborn in my arms.

When I fell pregnant with my second child, I was a bit concerned with how I could possibly love him as much as I loved my first. I know It may sound a little horrid but I already gave all my love to one child how could my heart Love another the same. My mum told me that my heart was like an elastic band and it would accommodate as many as I wanted it to. My love will stretch but will stay the same for each child. She was right (as always) My heart and Love grew for three children and not one is loved more or less than the other. They are all unique in their own little ways, of course they have good and bad in them, but children do don;t they! I love my boys through the good and bad.

I can tell my children off and I can be really angry with them, but with one look into their eyes and I melt. I am back to day one where I was holding them for the first time in my arms, looking at them as they were a newborn. Helpless and innocent, children need to be guided to do the right thing. That’s what us as parents are here for.

I may not be in a loving relationship, I may not have the support from my partner but each day I live for my children. The love that I receive from them is what gets me through my day.

No matter what age my boys are, they will always be my babies.

 

instant love

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Love 21/365

I look at this little face and it makes my heart skip a beat

I look at this little face and am overwhelmed with the amount of love i have for him.

I never thought I could feel such love before I had children. After having my first child I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to Love my second child as much as the first but my Lovely Mum  told me that love is just like an elastic band and it will stretch as far you want it to.

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Love

The boys and I was talking the other day about love and what it meant to us. Joseph said love is his Mummy and Jak said love is in the trees and i said love is a circle. We all had different ideas of what it meant to us, the conversation lasted for about half an hour, it really made me think of what love is and how we all look at it in out different ways depending on age.

So Here is our list of what the boys and I think what love is:

Love is a Tree because it is alive and forever growing

Love is a Seed because once planted and given care and attention it grows and grows into a beautiful thing

Love is The Sea because of how powerful it can be, it’s forceful and strong

Love is a path that can lead you to many places

Love is the wind blowing freely from one place to another

Love is a Rose, beautiful and pretty but can be a but prickly at times

Love is in water, free flowing and strong

Love is a fire burning away brightly, it’s hot and steamy and can be dangerous

Love is a Circle, it is eternal and non stopping

Love is everywhere, it’s strong and powerful, it’s heart pounding and breathtaking

Love is sad and love is happy

Love can be found within friendship, family and partners

Love is young and old

Love is forever!

How do you see love?

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Day 5 #FMSphotoaday LOVE

Love is easy for me to portray in a photograph as I would normally just take a picture of all 3 of my boys, but as Jak isn’t around until Sunday (he’s away) it just doesn’t feel right, taking a photo of Joseph with Oliver and not Jak!

But this picture is just too cute to share

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Joseph is blowing me kisses!

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Mum! My heart hurts!

Yesterday we travelled to Gatwick airport as a family of 5 but returned home as a family of 4! Our eldest son, Jak, has travelled over to  Amsterdam with the English National Opera to perform in Death In Venice in the Music Theatre over there.

Jak was very excited about the adventure he was about to embark on, he has been abroard only once before when he was 4 years old, so he was looking forward to flying on an aeroplane as much as visiting an new country and city. He has gone with the whole of the production team who he has become quite close with a few of since beginning to rehearse with them back in May, that chaperones that were with him in the west end productions and rehearsals are the same ones that he has travelled with.

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This is an amazing experience for Jak and his acting career, which he is adamant he wants to pursue, he loves acting so this is a brilliant opportunity for him. Ever since he was a little boy at the age of two years old and he walked up onto the stage at a holiday site, he has never looked back, he has become hungry for the attention and the light that shines on him.

Yesterday was an emotional day, it was hard to wave him goodbye at the departure lounge, i know he will be back in 6 days and that he is good safe hands but i still had that urge to just grab him and hold him back to keep him with me.

Joseph found it very hard to handle, he wouldn’t let go of Jak’s suitcase and attached himself to it, shouting and crying for him not to leave him, It was so hard to watch. As much as the boys argue and fight they love being with each other and are always cuddling one another. By the time Jak was ready to walk through to the departure lounge Joseph was sobbing away and was trying to grab him over the barriers.

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One last wave and this was the last i saw of my smiling excited sons face

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As it was also Joseph’s birthday, we took him as a treat to Partyman World at Lakeside, it took his mind off of not having his brother around for a while but he was soon sitting down in the corner of the play area on his own, Daddy and I tried to replace the space that Jak has left and ran around with him, throwing balls at each other, sliding down curly slides, crawling through tunnels and pretended to drive space ships through the air but it didn’t work, he was soon missing his bog brother again and we was tired out.

We bought Joseph his favourite food, chinese noodles, but he wouldn’t eat them, saying that his belly aches! He went to bed upset and empty, he awoke at midnight asking for me to sleep with him, i laid in his bed and cuddled him for hours. He awoke this morning complaining of a belly ache still, i asked him where it hurt and what the pain felt like, he replied

“My tummy and heart hurts! I feel sick but i’m not!”

I think what my little boy is feeling is emptiness from missing his big brother. He has gone off of his food and he is not sparkly at all today.

Since coming home from school he has just sat on the sofa (unlike him) and watched TV.

Only 5 more days to go!

 

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