A hand that holds my heart – A mothers love

16 years and 7 months ago, I held a tiny little helpless hand in mine and vowed to myself that I would be the best Mum that I could be for him.

That first touch taught me what love really was. In an instant I knew I had an unconditional love, a love that was so pure and strong.

A sudden overwhelming urge of protectiveness.

He was so fragile and innocent. I wanted to hold his hand forever. As his little fingers curled around my finger, me heart swelled. His grip was not only on my finger but onto my heart too.

For the first few months he relied on me – to feed, change and move him around but he soon began to do things for himself. Like other babies, he learned to roll, crawl, walk, talk and play.

As he has grown up he has become such a wonderful young man; a joy to be around. Always there for me and his siblings when needed, always by my side. As his siblings were born, he just moved aside for them always knowing that Mummy still loved him. That Mummies love was just growing and expanding but never getting less. He filled my days with joy and delight and has given me the strength to get through bad days.

His hand may have grown considerably over the years but one thing is for sure and that is the unconditional love is still there. He has become wiser and stronger, more than I could have ever imagined him to be.

A man now stands where a boy used to be. I may no longer carry him in my arms and his little fingers may not cling to my hand but I still carry him in my heart. He has given me so many reasons to be proud of him.

Three years ago, he held my hand and told me to be strong.

The tables changed and I was the one that relied on him – he looked after me; feeding and caring for me.

I remember waking up in hospital after having an operation to remove a tumour and feeling the warmth of his hand in mine. I felt so calm and overwhelmed with how much love this boy had for me.

I felt safe.

I’m strong again now but he still holds my hand. I now have not only a son but a friend too!

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Mum, Are You Proud Of Me?

There is nothing more that makes me proud of any of my three children than just being themselves.

I have three boys aged from 6 to 15 and they are all individuals, exceeding in different areas with talents and interests that are not the same as each other. That’s what makes them individuals.

There are no words that can describe how much each of them mean to me, I was blessed with three amazing young boys, who, without a doubt, I know will grow into three incredible young men. Being a Mum to these boys has given me a purpose in life and has shown me a new sense of being. They are why my heart beats and why blood runs through my veins. They give me energy like no other.

I am proud of all three of them and even though I tell them how much they all make me proud, the other day my middle boy (I actually hate calling him my middle boy, because they say that it’s always the middle child that gets left out and I am always conscious of that) asked me if he made me proud of him.

These 5 words stung my eyes.

There is nothing more that makes me proud of my boys than who they are. But, obviously my son was feeling a little left out.

We had had a couple of hours together doing something that he absolutely enjoys with a passion, we had gone cycling around the country park. He loves nature and the outdoors. So we spent some time, just him and I, cycling through the park looking at tress, listening to the birds and looking out across the lake at the birds swooping down to catch the fish.

He is such a sensitive soul and the most caring boy I know, he may not be outstanding academically but he is full of knowledge.

He can tell you so much about animals and their habitats. He can talk about them for hours.

He knows all about countries, there flags and where about they are in the world.

He can read a book of 600 pages, re-telling the story with passion, remembering every part of it.

He has his own fashion style, he always likes to look smart and likes to wear quirky clothes. He enjoys being different.

He is adventurous, courageous, intuitive, sensitive and loving.

I could go on describing how perfect he is to me, but like I said there really are not enough words.

I told him all this, all of the above and more.

I told him how much he means to me and that it makes me sad that he even had to ask me if he makes me proud.

I tell him and his brothers often how proud I am of them. Even for the little things. Like offering to hold the door open for someone, carrying my bag when they can see me struggling or for their caring nature.

Being proud of them doesn’t mean that they have to achieve something that is extra-ordinary or special. It’s seeing them grow. It’s watching them achieve personal goals. It’s those small moments that are giant steps of success. I give them praise when it matters and talk about the obstacles that they have overcome.

I held my son so tight and looked him in the eye and told him just look at me, with no words. Because no words could describe how proud of him I was, only the look of love and pride in my eyes could. That’s how we stood. In the middle of a country park, faces cupped into each others hands. Staring into each others eyes. (this in itself was an achievement for my son, as he finds it hard to keep eye contact) After a few moments we let go of our contact and cuddled each other. He just smiled at me and said that he saw the love nd adoration I had for him.

I myself, saw a little boy who was struggling to find a place for himself amongst the world around him. I saw a boy who needed Love. I told him whenever he needs that whenever he is feeling sad and alone to just remember the look in my eyes

I hope now he realises that words are not needed to show how proud I am of him.

 

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A Letter To My 14yr Old Son

Dear Son

When I found out that I was pregnant with you, it was quite a shock! I doubted myself and my ability to look after you. Even though I was 24, I thought that I was still to young to have children. I didn’t want to fail you as a parent and was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take on the responsibility if looking after a young baby.

As soon as I began to feel you move around inside of my tummy my love for you began to grow, you was mine – all mine.

The day you was born, my life changed.

The moment you came into this world you brought an ache into my heart that I had never experienced before, a love that was so strong it brought to tears to my eyes and a pain in my chest. You taught me the meaning of unconditional love.

You was a mummy’s boy and I was your biggest supporter. With every milestone that you reached; crawling, first steps, first word, first pee on the potty, I reveled in euphoria.

You was such a clever little boy. At 2 years old you showed an interest in cars and used to point out to me all the makes of them as they passed by. I had no idea where you had learned it from as I didn’t drive and had no understanding of them myself. I remember sitting on a bus one day; you was looking out of the window and was pointing out the cars as they passed us, saying their names and getting quite excited. The other passengers were laughing and encouraging you by asking you what the next car was. You knew them all!

You have, to this day, a presence about you that leaves people in awe. Such confidence in yourself, no matter what it is you try you will always put everything into it.

I sometimes wish that you were still that little intrigued boy. I often miss him, thinking about what you were like as a small boy. The way you used to line up your cars in colours, sizes and models. How we could never pass by a Bob the Builder ride that was outside the supermarket because you would shout to have a go on it. When you used to come in to my room at night and sneak into my side of the bed for a cuddle. And, you was always full of energy, running around I circles in the living room because you wouldn’t give in to your tiredness.

You was such a caring, thoughtful young boy – Still are!

You filled my days with such pure delight

Over the past 14 years I have watched you grow from a young boy into a young man. You are still caring and thoughtful. You have learnt so much but there is so much more for you to learn now as an adult. Life is a continuous journey and I am so glad that I am a part of yours. You have hopes and dreams and aspirations. Their will be challenges but I have confidence in you that you will overcome them, you will make mistakes, as everyone does, but remember, that is how we learn. You will have times of contentment and times of sadness, life has its ups and downs. You are a strong boy who will overcome them all.

This past year has been a tough one for us all, you have shown such maturity and your attitude towards my illness has been a positive one. If anyone could be optimistic about their mum having cancer its you! You tell everyone that my illness has taught you how to grow up, how to fend for yourself and how to be positive.

You have taught yourself to cook and to look after your siblings. Your attitude towards it all has been a positive one. Giving me support and showing me that you are much more to me than just my son. You are my friend.

You are an incredible, unique boy and I want you to know what an amazing young man you have turned out to be.

There were days when I was in hospital, when I woke, to find you sitting by my bedside holding on to my hand and stroking my head. You are such a caring boy. Full of love and compassion.

You have such a bright future ahead of you and I trust that you will accomplish anything you set out to do. You have a drive to succeed. You are your own person, have your own interests, thought and opinions and are not afraid of showing who you are to others. You are clever and very knowledgeable. I have no doubt in my mind that you will succeed.

Follow your heart, hopes and dreams and become the man whom I know you will turn out to be. Be yourself and accomplish great things.

I am who I am because of you. I love you dearly

Your forever loving Mum

 

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In This Moment…

As I lay here with my child in my arms, his little face tucked into my neck and his arms wrapped around my body, I breathe in. A deep long breath.

I take in the smell of his sweat skin.

I can feel the warmth of his breath on my cool skin.

I watch his little chest go up and down as his heart beats away

If only time could stand still. In this moment right now, I am at peace

I could watch him sleep forever, I wonder what he dreams?

My love for him so pure and so painful

I want to protect him of all sadness in this world, to keep him in a little bubble and for him to never experience hurt

I watch the corners of his pink lips raise, as if he is smiling

Oh, how my heart aches!

I feel my eyes begin to well up, tears are flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks

I taste the saltiness of a tear that has landed onto my lips

My heart skips a beat as In this moment, right now, I could not love him anymore than I do

I see innocence and beauty

I no longer feel the stress of every day life, I just feel complete

In this moment it’s easy to forget all the upset and bad that is happening around us

It’s easy to forget my illness

As a Mum, I only have one job and that is to raise and protect my children

I remember the first moment he was placed into my arms and how precious he was

My heart beats for him

I wipe away a tear from the corner of my eye and breathe in the moment

I place my finger on his cheek and run it gently, as not to wake him, along his face towards his ear

His skin is soft and warm to touch

I cherish these moments, storing the memories in my heart

I will not always be around for my boy but I hope that he knows that wherever he is, I will always be with him in his heart

 

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Thankful for being a Mother

Last weekend was Mothering Sunday

A day where children shower there Mummy’s with Love, presents, cards and time

A day where Mums from all over get to have a day off and spend it with their Children.

A day when children tell their Mums how much they love them and how much they are thankful for them being their mummy

I didn’t receive a shop bought card, or any flowers or a gift for that matter. But what I did get was far more rewarding and priceless. A day with my boys.

I don’t need a card to tell me how much they love me

I don’t need flowers or gifts to know that they love me

I receive kisses and cuddles every day from them, so this day was no exception

Instead we walked along hand in hand on a beach.

We talked and laughed at each others jokes

We ate chips on the sea front whilst the sun shone down on us

We watched the waves hit the shore

We enjoyed each others company

I sat and watched my boys play together, kick a football around and play fight with each other

I should be thanking them for making me the person I am today

I wouldn’t be a Mum without them. Without them I wouldn’t be me!

I am thankful on Mothers Day, as of the rest of the days of the year in being their Mum

My day couldn’t have been any better. I wasn’t upset that I didn’t receive gifts, as I’ve got my boys instead. They showered me with cuddles and kisses. They gave me laughter and fun and most of all they gave me memories of a lovely day together.

I celebrate every day the love I have for them and I know that they love me just as much as I do them.

I only have to hold them to feel their loving touch. Look into their eyes to see the love.

I am thankful for being their Mum every day that I breathe and nothing can take that away from me

 

 

 

 

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