It’s been over 2 years now since I had my operations, one to remove the tumour and one to correct a complication that happened after the first one.
Life has been great since coming out of hospital and I would like to think that I have adapted well to having a stoma now. I still have my moments and it has affected my confidence immensely, but since receiving the news that I had Cancer it made me realise that life is too short to hide away in the corner and beat yourself up about things that you can not control. I now try hard to fight my emotions with the ‘you can do it’ attitude.
I often visit the hospital for Oncology and stoma appointments, I have at least 6 appointments per year. Last week I had an appointment that had nothing to do with my Cancer and whilst I was there I bumped into my surgeon. I hadn’t seen him around the hospital since I was discharged back in December 2016.
I was waiting around for my medication from the pharmacy so i thought i would grab a quick drink from Costa, whilst in the queue I looked over to my left and I had to double take. There he was standing next me, smiling away, it was his smile that I noticed straight away. I remember his smile being very kind and gentle. And as I stood there, I really wanted to say hello, but was worried he wouldn’t remember me. I looked over at him again and this time I didn’t see his smile but instead I saw him in his scrubs. I had to blink and look away to take the image away from my mind.
The flashbacks came.
Being wheeled down from my hospital bed to the theatre in the early hours of the morning.
Laying on a bed in the operating theatre.
Looking around me and feeling cold.
The bed was cold.
My toes were frozen
People walking around, hurry about with tools, talking medical terms to each other
Beep Beep Beep…
Opening my eyes to seeing faces all around me
I remember struggling to breathe
Feeling pressure and tugging in my abdomen
It was cold, so cold. It even smelt cold
Bright lights in my eyes
I felt uncomfortable. So much pressure
Urgency in peoples voices
Raised voices. Lots of words that just seemed to blur into each other
Slowly drifting off
And then waking up in a different room
Pain. In so much pain
Crying and screaming about the pain
Another surgeon giving me injections
Feeling so tired
Waking in my hospital bed back on the ward.
For days after I didn’t feel right. I was in lots of pain, but it wasn’t the pain that was worrying me. It was that uncomfortable feeling of being pulled from my inside, of feeling pressure and movement in my abdomen. I didn’t sleep well days, every time I fell asleep I had nightmares of waking during my operation. It took a good few weeks for the feeling of what may have happened to subside.
I have no idea if I awoke during my operation, maybe I dreamt it all, maybe I just imagined that it all happened.
But, seeing my Surgeon brought all those feelings back. As fresh as it was back then. This was a few days ago and I am now waking up during the night sweating. Whatever happened in that operating theatre It has certainly left me with more than a physical scar to look at!