Struggling Through

Well I’ve been home from hospital for 12 days now and each day is a day closer to being stronger to fight this horrible disease. It’s a struggle, I have to cope with the post pain from having two surgeries and learning to get around the house again.

Walking up the stairs is like trek up Mount Snowdon. Each step pulls on the muscles at the back of my leg. My legs feel heavy and ache all the time. I am lucky that we have stair railing and a bannister to hold onto as I walk up and down the stairs. I take a rest half way up and just carry on. I need to push myself to do this as laying in a hospital bed for so long has weakened my muscles. Each step I fight against the pain, each step takes up so much of my energy.

Not only do I have to deal with the pain and recovery from having 2 bowel surgeries but I am also coping with a massive weight loss. I have always been small framed and have never been a girl to count my calories or go out of my way to keep fit, but I am now dangerously underweight. Whilst in hospital I was put onto a TPN where nutrients were pumped into my main artery. I was put onto this drip too late as my weight had already plummeted due to having no appetite and being Nil By Mouth for days on end. My appetite has now come back, it took a while, but I am now eating as much as my body can take to

try to restore my energy levels and gain some fat. My weight gain is slow, but I am being told that you can see a difference in my face since I’ve been home.

Each day I manage to do more about the home and have even managed to get out to the shops, with the help of my Mummy. For the first week at home, the sofa became my best friend. It’s where I slept at night and rested through the day. I needed help up the stairs, at one point I had to be carried up them as I collapsed at the bottom. Now, nearly 2 weeks being at home, I go up and down by myself and I am back to sleeping in my bed.

Sleeping is a big struggle. It has been for a while. It started in hospital, with all the noise and bright lights it made it highly impossible to have a good nights sleep. I used an eye mask but it didn’t really help that much. Where I have lost weight I have bones sticking out on my back, making it uncomfortable to get in a good position to sleep. We have bought a tempur mattress topper, which was a small fortune, but it has made a huge difference on the comfort of the bed.

Me on my first day out of the house
Me on my first day out of the house

Life is a constant battle, no matter how hard I try I seem to come against a brick wall or a dead-end. I feel alone at times and like is everything is falling apart. Some days are harder than others.

I do not dwell on the pain, instead I think about how much stronger I am as a person for getting through it.

Strength only comes from continuous struggle.

My Unconditional Love

When I found out I was pregnant with all three of my boys, I never had that instant feeling of love for them. It sounds wrong doesn’t it? It wasn’t until I felt that first little flutter in my tummy (that could have easily been passed for wind) that I wanted to protect them. As the boys grew and my tummy started to expand I began to feel and see their little feet and hands pushing against my skin, I knew then that the love I had for them was unconditional. I knew that no-one would come even close to the love I had for them. A parents love and need for their children is strong.

The first time I held my boys and looked into there eyes, I only felt love. I didn’t want to let them go, put them down or leave them with anyone. I wanted to cherish as much of them as possible. I was selfish in a way, as I didn’t want anyone else to be with them. They were mine, all mine. I breathed in their sweet sweaty smell of their skin, I stroked their cute little wrinkled face, I watched as they wrapped their tiny little fingers around mine, I felt their tiny heart beat against my skin and I held them tight. As tight as I could. Motherly love instantly kicking in. No time for tiredness just time for them.

Since giving birth to my first son some 13 years ago, I havent really left them with anyone. My life changed. I became a stay at home Mum and spent my days hugging and holding my boys. It’s not that I don’t trust anyone with them but I need to be near them, I need to be close to them. I am their protector, their guide through life. We do everything together, obviously they do their own things with friends but when they are at home we are always together.

My boys are certainly Mummy boys. Where ever I go they go too. I can’t even go to the toilet without them waiting outside of the door for me. It’s me who they confide in when having troubles at school or with friends. It’s me who they come to when they are upset. It’s me who they cry for when they are hurt. It’s me who kisses all their hurt away. It’s me who they sit and watch TV with and cuddle up to on the sofa. Dad is around but it has always been Mummy. My fault entirely for being over protective of them. But I wouldn’t change it. They are independent boys, they don’t need me for anything but I am always near by if and when they need me.

From the first moment I held my boys to now my love has not faltered. I have the same fluttery feeling, my heart aches and I get a lump in my throat.

As I have said before, my boys are my life. They are the reason why I fight every day. They are the reason why I am so strong. They are the reason why I have hope.

Recently with the bad news that I received, my heart ripped in two. I know it sounds weird but I felt it. My heart ached. It pained. It was hard to breathe. My throat was dry. My boys showed me that Love will conquer. Love is strong. My heart is nothing without them. The love I receive from them is full on, mighty and energetic.

We are a team.

My love may be unconditional for them but It certainly isn’t blinded by their behaviour. My boys are no saints. They fight, shout, scream, their lazy and messy. They can push me to the limit and I may shout at them but we all know that this is part of growing up, they know that I love them and I only want the best for them.

I love how my eldest has a strong passion for running and swimming. He is caring and thoughtful. He is very clever, being a member of mensa at the age of 11. His brain is like a sponge and when he talks its like he has swallowed a dictionary/thesaurus.

I love the middle ones sensitivity. He is very caring and loving. He loves his lego and has a creative imagination. He loves to spend time with family and be close to them. He is witty and charming.

I love the shear strength of the youngest. He is strong willed and very determined. I can see him being very clever when he is older but hopefully not get side tracked by peers. He is loving and bubbly. He is shy but also determined.

All three of them put their heart into everything and always want to achieve at their utmost.

All three are my unconditional love.

 

What will the future hold….

As I sit down at the dining table, I hear my boys from upstairs, fighting, arguing, playing, shouting and just being plain noisy little terrors. And as I am about to open my mouth and shout up the stairs for them to calm down a bit and be a little quieter. I think how quickly life goes by. I don’t want to be known by my boys as the Mummy who shouted at us a lot. I want them to be boys. In fact. I don’t want them to grow up at all.

I know most of us parents look at our little babies and wish for them to stay tiny forever. My boys are growing up too fast and I just want life to slow down So I can take in every second of their lives. My boys are my babies, no matter their age.

My eldest no longer cuddles me and the ‘I Love you Mum’ is becoming less and less.

My boys drive me mad. I am forever pulling them apart and shouting at them. My days don’t go by without me having to tell them off, there are points in my day that I sit and cry. There are days when I think I just can’t go on anymore. There are days that I just want to walk away from the fighting and tantrums. But these are normal. No ones life as a parent runs smoothly.

And as hard as It is raising three hyper boys who are forever on the go. I look at them and I just don’t want to them to grow up.

I don’t want to let go of them. I don’t want them to leave me.

Oh, I wish for them to have a happy, successful life. Get married. Have children. Be in a their dream job. I just don’t want them to forget, little old me. The Mum who took them to clubs when they were younger. The Mum who played on the floor with them for hours, in their imaginary game. The Mum who sat up all night long watching them breath when they were ill. The Mum who watched them compete and perform with tears of pride in her eyes. The Mum who taught them right from wrong, taught them how to love and who was always there for them.

It’s the well-known quote “A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter’s a daughter fort he rest of her life” that scares me. I myself am closer to my Mum than my Dad, although I love my Dad. It’s my Mum whom I call every day and talk to when upset.

What will the future hold?

I just pray to my boys that I will not be one of those Mother in law from hell. I will become their partners friend as much as I am theirs.

I live my days for my boys and like many other parents my weekends are planned around them. My life changed when they came, for the best. I became who I am now. I am who I am because of my boys. I’m scared of what I will become without them around.

What will the future hold? No one knows! Please Boys, Don’t forget Mummy.

 

 

Love

The boys and I was talking the other day about love and what it meant to us. Joseph said love is his Mummy and Jak said love is in the trees and i said love is a circle. We all had different ideas of what it meant to us, the conversation lasted for about half an hour, it really made me think of what love is and how we all look at it in out different ways depending on age.

So Here is our list of what the boys and I think what love is:

Love is a Tree because it is alive and forever growing

Love is a Seed because once planted and given care and attention it grows and grows into a beautiful thing

Love is The Sea because of how powerful it can be, it’s forceful and strong

Love is a path that can lead you to many places

Love is the wind blowing freely from one place to another

Love is a Rose, beautiful and pretty but can be a but prickly at times

Love is in water, free flowing and strong

Love is a fire burning away brightly, it’s hot and steamy and can be dangerous

Love is a Circle, it is eternal and non stopping

Love is everywhere, it’s strong and powerful, it’s heart pounding and breathtaking

Love is sad and love is happy

Love can be found within friendship, family and partners

Love is young and old

Love is forever!

How do you see love?

Pre Interview Nerves

Last night i couldn’t sleep, tossing and turning, I have something on my mind that i am worrying about and until it is over i will not be able to settle!

Tomorrow is Interview day!

I work in a school as a Teaching assistant for Nursery and Reception age children, doing 15 hours a week contracted but i also do an extra 2 hours a day supporting a child 1:1 in the Year 1 classroom. The job i am going for is in the same school but with children from years 1-6 and it will be for 27.5 hours a week which is 2.5 hours more than what i work at the moment.

I applied for the job just like all the other applicants filling in a form and handing it in, A few days after the deadline i receive an email inviting me along to an interview which will consist of an activity, where i will be given a selection of picture books to choose one from and a group of 8 KS1 children, i will be the observed taking children through the story and feeding back to them as part of assessment for learning. the observation will then be followed by an interview with a panel of staff.

The school i work for is split over two sites, about a 15 minute walk away from each other, I work in the original school building and my interview is being held over at the new site. This means that i am in the same boat as the over interviewees, as i have never met any of the children that are over there and i hardly know any of the staff over too!

I have researched the typical questions that may be asked at a Teaching Assistant interview and have come across a huge selection that i gave up on reading after a while as i just seem to be filling my head up with the possible that may never happen. This has caused me to have a disrupted sleep as i am constantly fretting over the what and ifs!

So after a week of thinking constantly about how i am going to cope in the interview and a couple of hours reading about other people’s experiences on-line i have come to the conclusion that there is nothing more i can do. I can’t think of an answer for every question or even an answer for every possible scenario that may occur as i will drive myself mad but what i can do is be myself, be honest and to relax and go with the flow!

I have bought a new pair of trousers for the interview, hoping to make a good impression as appearance is everything

I shall team it up with a cool sleeveless tunic in orange or black

I shall wear a pair of flat shoes as i am hoping to get as interactive as i can with the children.

So in my new clothes and my hoping for new found confidence i will be honest, approachable, clearly spoken, friendly and try not to be nervous! easier said than done!

I have my Calms and Rescue Remedy all stocked up in my handbag already for tomorrow 🙂