Who Is this I see in the mirror?

I look in to the mirror and I don’t like what I see…

I see a mind that is confused and muddled up. It’s being dangled over the hedge by thin thread. Waiting. Waiting to be saved or to be dropped to the unknown below. The mind is lost, It needs to find itself again but there are so many obstacles, brick walls, oceans and elements in its way it has no idea where to turn. It’s in a maze not knowing what is round the corner or up ahead.

I see loneliness. I see a scared little girl needing some company. A little girl who needs comforting. A little girl who just wants to play and be carefree. Emptiness. Stillness

I look in to the mirror and I don’t like what I see…

I see someone who I no longer recognise. I know that the real me is beyond the image but it’s hard to see. I see pain in the eyes. I see sadness.

The body has changed. I see bones. I see weakness. I see age.

I don’t like what is looking back at me

I do not recognise this person looking back me, she has changed so much in the past few months. The person looking back at me looks withdrawn and beaten.

I stand and stare and look beyond the unrecognisable image. It’s hard. It takes a while.

If I look deep enough, far enough I can see a light. I can see the person who I was before. Fighting. A strong person. A person who wants to be victorious.

Even though I am weak I know that I am becoming stronger each day. We need bad days in order to realise what a good day is.

I may have tears but I am also able to smile.

Being strong is the only choice I have.

 

To my little monster

As I look down at my little boy
Tears of sadness fills my eyes
For tomorrow I return to work
And it will be hard to say my goodbyes

I’m going to miss :
your cuddles
The way you hold my hand
The way you look at me when your trying something new
Your excitement when your enjoying yourself
Listening to you say new words
Spending every minute of the day with you
Watching you reach your milestones

Whose going to kiss your poorlies when you hurt your self?

I’m going to miss the way you say ‘mummy’ when you want me to look at you or your little ‘cuddles mummy’ when you are upset and tired

I’m going to miss the way you pull and twist my hair around your little fingers when you are tired

I’m going to miss the way you say ‘bobble’ when you want some milk to drink or ‘num num’ when you want to eat

I’m going to miss those big blue eyes smiling at me every second of the day and your excited nature when you are playing

I’m going to miss watching you play with your brothers and learning new things everyday

I’m going to miss the way you put your arms around my neck so tightly like your clinging on for your dear little life

But don’t worry my little one as it wont be for long
As it will soon be the weekend and I will be back where I belong
Right next to you, holding and kissing you
And we will have new adventures to look forward to

As I write this I look at you with pride
My heart aches with so much love for that no words could describe
You are pure perfection to me
Everything you do makes me very happy

You are my life, my present and most of all my future

My eyes are stinging and my heart is aching, I’m feeling empty already
But my love for you is strong and no time apart will change it

So please don’t cry for me in the morning
Please don’t shout Mummy as I walk away
Please don’t be upset my darling
As your days will be filled with play

And remember my heart stays with you when I am not there

Love you little man with all my heart

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