As I lay here with my hand laid upon my sons chest, feeling his heart beat against my palm. My face snuggled into his arm, feeling the warmth of his skin against my cheek. A small salty tear drops from the corner of my eye onto my cheek. I do not cry for sadness but I cry for happiness and Love.
Looking back to when I was 24, I didn’t want children. Not that I didn’t like being around the little ones, I had plenty of nephew and nieces to give my love to but I was happy being on my own. I never dreamed of having one child let alone three. Now I have three lovely little boys I wouldn’t change it for the world. I never planned to be a Mum and when I found out that I was pregnant with my first, I was scared that I would never be able to look after and Love him like a Mother should do. I never understood what love was until I had my son.
I remember the first time I held him and that immense feeling I got as I looked down at his little screwed up face, as his little fingers searched for my hand and he grabbed tightly onto my finger. That moment will be etched into my heart forever. I suddenly felt like my heart was going to explode, It was like a magnet was drawing me into him. I couldn’t stop looking at him and knew from that moment that my life had changed and it would never be the same again. I felt love, I felt belonged, I was excited for what was to come, I suddenly felt love.
That feeling happened three times for me, each time I held my newborn in my arms.
When I fell pregnant with my second child, I was a bit concerned with how I could possibly love him as much as I loved my first. I know It may sound a little horrid but I already gave all my love to one child how could my heart Love another the same. My mum told me that my heart was like an elastic band and it would accommodate as many as I wanted it to. My love will stretch but will stay the same for each child. She was right (as always) My heart and Love grew for three children and not one is loved more or less than the other. They are all unique in their own little ways, of course they have good and bad in them, but children do don;t they! I love my boys through the good and bad.
I can tell my children off and I can be really angry with them, but with one look into their eyes and I melt. I am back to day one where I was holding them for the first time in my arms, looking at them as they were a newborn. Helpless and innocent, children need to be guided to do the right thing. That’s what us as parents are here for.
I may not be in a loving relationship, I may not have the support from my partner but each day I live for my children. The love that I receive from them is what gets me through my day.
No matter what age my boys are, they will always be my babies.