Learning to accept my body

You may see me in the street, you may pass me by and smile at me. I may nod my head and smile back. I may look and appear normal. But, behind my smile, behind my eyes I am fighting. Fighting to accept what I have become. Fighting to accept where my body is.

I have a hidden disability. Something you can not see, nor do I talk about it. It’s not something that makes a comfortable conversation.

I am embarrassed of what I am; of what I have to carry around with me.

8 months ago I had surgery to remove a tumour from my bowel, from the offset of this I have a colostomy.

Don’t get me wrong I am happy that I am still alive, but it has knocked my confidence. I no longer feel womanly. I take time choosing the right type of clothes to wear. I got rid of dresses that were figure hugging, vests that were tight and my pretty little underwear sets are a no go. I can’t even leave the house without having to carry my medical supplies with me – no more clutch bags for me.

I used to have a flat tummy, even after giving birth to 3 children there were never any marks on it. My tummy was one thing that I was happy about on my body. Shallow? Maybe!

Now, I have a swollen tummy with a scar that goes from the belly button down towards the pelvis area. Either side of the scar the tummy protrudes out. I have to wear trousers, leggings and underwear that are high waisted.

I have never been a body confident person, living with a colostomy is just another hurdle for me to get over.

I am learning to chose the right type of clothing that hides my imperfections. But summertime and holidays are a scary thought.

How am I going to cope on holiday, in the heat with a bag stuck to my tummy and wearing a bikini on the beach.

I am happy that I no longer have cancer but I live with a constant reminder of what I have gone though. I carry a trophy around on my body.

I have to accept that this is me now and I have to learn to love my body again. I have to become comfortable with it. It gave up on me once, I don’t want it to do that again!

I was born to be real not to be perfect. My life is on a new path now and I need to embrace it to the best that I can.

One thought on “Learning to accept my body

  1. I can imagine this is difficult lovely. It is hard to come to terms with the disease, fighting it, but living with the aftermath too. You looked amazing when I saw you in May and you’d really never know. I know you don’t feel comfortable, but I hope in time and with some lovely new items, you can start to feel more like your old self. You are beautiful and amazing, don’t forget it xx

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