I hate writing this. But this is how I am feeling at the moment.
With tears in my eyes and an ache in my heart.
I think about who I would leave behind
I dread the thought of being told that I am going to die.
I have always feared death. Always cried about dying. Having children made it all become a little bit more real.
Having Cancer has made it all the more real for me. It has made me think more and more of death.
Right or wrong. Positive or not. You can not allow your brain to not think of it.
I have three beautiful children who I adore so much. I have so much to give them. So many more memories. So many more cuddles and kisses.
I want to be able to see them grow into handsome young men.
I want to see them graduate from University
I want to hold their hands through the good and the bad.
I want to watch them fall in love and enjoy life
I want to watch them walk down the aisle and I want to hold my grandchild in my arms
I am not ready to die.
I am not ready to leave my family behind to cope with me not being around.
I have so many more bumps and bruises to kiss better
So many more bedtime stories to read.
So many more experiences to enjoy with my boys
Death is a horrible thing and I know we all will die eventually. This has always scared me. I’ve always been upset about leaving my children, young or old, behind.
Coping with having Cancer has made it all real.
I am not ready for my body to give up. I am not ready to leave my boys without a Mummy.
Why am I writing this? I don’t know. Its how I am feeling. It’s what I am thinking.
It’s in my thoughts all the time. I don’t want it to be there. I want to enjoy the time I have with my family.
So many people tell me to enjoy my life, but It’s so hard. Cancer takes over.
I want to take control of my thoughts and body. I do not want it to win.
Am I feeling down? Am I depressed? YES
I want to be healthy and I want to live a long and good life
I want my children to enjoy growing up with their Mum around to guide them and teach them right from wrong. What Mum wouldn’t?
They need a strong Mum and a happy one.
I will carry on fighting with every inch of my body for the sake of my boys. I will try to keep strong and not allow them to see the weak me, the depressed me, the unhappy me. I will not let this defeat me without giving everything I have.